Search Results for: vampire undeath

Vampire: Undeath Is a Turkey, Now How to Fix It

Vampire Undeath

Let me begin with a personal message to Mykal Lakim: I was a jerk to you.

Most of what was written in the two reviews I posted was due to frustration with your product, and I can own up to that. I know it must have hurt, but that’s the problem, isn’t it? No creator likes being ripped into like that, but Vampire: Undeath really is that bad.

For the sake of our sanity, which has become interconnected, I’m going to do what I do in every last one of my art classes: point out the good bits of your work and dole out suggestions for what to fix.

High Points

1. You have some creepy ideas in there. Vampires absorbing memories in blood was a new twist. Imagine what would happen if a vampire drained a serial killer and all of those terrifying memories were seen as beautiful through the killer’s eyes. Nasty. Likewise, ghouls are creepy as hell. Develop them better in the next edition.

2. I understand that you’re trying to create an action-packed game about vampires, a concept that’s long overdue. Vampires have been subtle power-mongers in RPGs for nearly two decades. Let’s get some blood pumping action going with our gothic horror, yeah?

Blood - Vampires

What to Fix

1. Get an editor. Immediately. Hire someone with an English degree, tell them to go over your work with a fine-toothed comb, and listen to every last one of their suggestions. It will make the book so much more coherent that people will be able to actually play it. What are you waiting for? Get an editor!

2. Formatting. Implement double columns like every major RPG, shrink the margins to fit more text, and decrease the font size by a few points. And when you think your done, run it past your editor to see if it’s legible.

3. Sit down and come up with more original ideas. The blood memory thing proves that you can do it, but far too many of your concepts and bloodlines seem lifted from Vampire: the Masquerade. I know, you’ve claimed no relationship between that game and yours, but no one is being fooled. Just spend your next day off with a notebook doing nothing but thinking up new ideas for your game. Try it.

4. Figure out what the vampires in your game actually do and write about it. Beyond a few quick stereotypes, the vampires don’t really do anything. Insert plot hooks for the gamemasters to work with in your next edition. Just do something that shows your vampires do something other than drink blood and hang out.

Mykal, I present these words not to condemn your work, but to lend a hand. And you really do want to heed my advice on this one. The internet at large, and there’s no reason to keep fighting.

Vampire: Undeath Filled Me With Despair for All the Wrong Reasons

Vampire UndeathBecause I hate myself, my friends, and all of you reading, I decided to give Vampire: Undeath a fair chance by actually playing it.. After making some characters, I opted to do a quick one-shot game, playing as straight as the clusterfuck of source material would allow me.

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Building a Character in Vampire: Undeath Made Me Beg for Death

LazyHello, and welcome to GeekParty’s pitiful token effort at covering games that cost less than five hundred dollars to get into.

Today, we’re reviewing legendary tabletop role-playing bomb Vampire: Undeath. Some hopeful side of my blackened soul was hoping it’d at least be cool bomb in a wacky Plan 9 way. Those hopes died when I tried to make a character and found my brain screaming for a merciful death.

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Dark Angel: Vampire Apocalypse Sucked the Life Out of Me

Hello and welcome to The Trash Bin, the review column that regularly debases itself by shopping at GameStop just to get cheap ass games nobody cares about anymore. I’m your host, a pitiful little man who would fall apart without his digital hookers and blow.

Today we’re reviewing Dark Angel: Vampire Apocalypse for the Playstation 2, because apparently I’m the vampire guy around this site. I was hoping for a palette cleanser after the sugary sweetness of my last review, and boy did I get it.

The game didn’t come with a manual and there’s no real introduction, so I have no idea why I’m in some medieval town butchering I don’t know what as people and monsters scream. Completely lost, I just start pressing buttons randomly. Apparently that’s all I needed to do.

Dark Angel Vampire Apocalypse

I have no idea who this is, but I played her for an hour.

Image Source: Wikipedia

I mess around with the controls for a bit and bring up a map. Still unsure but learning slowly, I take my character to a level called the Necropolis. Inside are a bunch of Count Orlock-looking fuckers shooting lightning for some reason. I butcher them and some blue Slimers for a while. This process is eerily reminiscent of Diablo II. It wants to be the Universal gothic horror series fused with heavy metal in an attempt to be totally EXXTREME!!, but they’re really not hitting the magic combination that would make this shit work.

However, much like Diablo II, this game sent me into a numb, trance-like state where the outside world meant nothing so long as my digital enemies were dying in droves. As I write this, I’m still vaguely hazy. It brings to mind my high school years, during which I played shit tons of Diablo II to make the frustration and humiliation of the All-American High School Experience go away. It worked too; thanks to the darkly epic land of Sanctuary, I have mostly forgotten the “best years” of my misbegotten life.

Deep down I’m bored and annoyed, but I can’t stop. It takes a feat of will to save and quit, and an hour has passed. This whole game’s premise boils down to “Diablo with vampires!” and while that gets zero points for originality, it at least at captures the addictive gameplay of Diablo. Plus, I like imagining the mockery of my teachers and peers washing away in a wave of screaming vampires.

Dark Angel vampire apocalypse screenshot

Murdering the dead numbs the pain and will make for some interesting newspaper articles after I cut open somebody’s gut…

Controls: I figured them out and mastered them with ease. It added to the narcotizing effect of the game.

Graphics: This comes from the earliest days of the PS2 and it shows. I barely noticed.

Sound: Not bad. Mostly dark metal-like guitar riffs, which I admit I have a soft spot for.

Dizziness: I probably need some fresh air to escape the zombie like state I’ve fallen into. Excuse me while I go to Alcoholic Luigi’s house and hack him to pieces with a “real sword” I got at the mall.

Story Time with Paolo: Alcoholic Luigi Hasn’t Touched RPG Maker 3

Luigi and DoomI came to in a mess of blood and my own sick. Mykal Lakim was staring at me dumbfounded as if he couldn’t understand what had just happened. Rayne and Kain were just looking at me like I was insane.

“Damn it, Lakim!” I shouted at Mykal Lakim, “How did you convince me to try the third edition of your game when the first one was so awful?!”

“But, I added a new rule where you stick your hand in a blender to determine starting points,” Lakim said as I realized I needed to regrow my fingers, “How could that go wrong?”

“Paolo,” Rayne said in a voice that could melt ice, “You have got to stop listening to him when he says he’s gotten better at writing.”

“And your other project needs serious work, for he has intruded upon my sanctum and…” Kain said as I began to tune him out.

Then my eyes shot wide open and I dashed out of Lakim’s lair at inhuman speed towards Kain’s lair. Inside, I saw Alcoholic Luigi, wearing nothing but silken panties and a tiara, passed out in Kain’s coffin clutching a notebook. I pulled Luigi out of the coffin with inhuman strength and started dragging him away from Kain’s collection of phallic blades.

“Hey, Paolo” Luigi said, the stench of beer, Doctor Pepper and wet pine needles heavy in his breath, “I was totally working on the greatest game ever like I said I would, but then this asshole without a shirt comes in and tells me to get out of my office. Like that’s gonna happen,” he snorted.

“That’s not your office, you wretched heap of arrogance and pie filling!” I shouted, “That’s Kain’s lair! He sleeps and probably whacks off to his swords in there.”

“Meh,” Luigi said, “The important thing is I wrote down a bunch of ideas for the greatest game ever. Here, check it out.”

I examined Alcoholic Luigi’s notebook. Inside was what appeared to be a Sailor Moon/Final Fantasy VI crossover fic in its infancy, followed by line upon line of the words “wang,” “princess,” “end of days,” “pecking order,” and “my tiara.”

“These aren’t notes on a game!” I yelled at Luigi, “This is a jizz stain translated into text.”

“I know, right?” Luigi said eagerly.

“You haven’t gotten any work done on the game!” I shouted, “You know what I’m gonna do to you if this game sucks?!”

Alcoholic Luigi then threw me with a German Suplex, applied a few boots to my face, and then put me in the most painful hammerlock he could.

“Something like this?” he said eagerly as he twisted my arm.

“Damn it, you depraved plumber, get out of my haven and get back to work!” I yelped in pain.

Luigi then let me go and toddled out of the house, mostly naked and without a care in the world.

“Paolo,” Rayne said as she swayed and strode over towards where I was nursing my injury, “You might want to kill him now.”

The Trash Bin: State of Emergency Makes Mass Murder Tedious

State of Emergency

Hello, and welcome to The Trash Bin, where we review old, unimportant games and regret the decisions we’ve made in our lives. I’m your host, a seething mass of  bitterness shaped like a man.

Since becoming a vampire, my urban mayhem skills have improved greatly. As Vampire: the Masquerade, The Lost Boys and BloodRayne have shown us, vampires are experts at causing chaos and destruction in a heavily populated area and getting away with it by sheer fuckyouitude. I recently learned this was true during a visit to Burger King with my cabal.

With this in mind, I figured that my vampiric tendencies towards dry, cool, action-movie destruction would make me awesome at State of Emergency, a PS2-era title that sparked some controversy at the time but has been largely forgotten. After locking Mykal Lakim in the basement, so I could actually play the game, there was a problem: my second-hand controller won’t let me actually save the game. Its broken. I’m annoyed, but I wasn’t planning to play this thing all the way through anyway.


I’m treated to a brief, nonsensical introduction about how the federal government had been replaced by “the corporation,” but that’s where the cyberpunk stops and the teenage suburbanite fantasy begins.

I choose chaos mode, because I’m pretty sure that’s the mode that involves the most chaos. After being presented with a choice of two avatars, I choose one that looks kind of like Tommy Vercetti from Vice City. I run around breaking and killing, only to discover that this game forces you to distinguish between enemies and civilians. I am appalled and horrified. Everyone knows that video games aren’t the place for that kind of thing. I run around wreaking randomized havoc. It’s mildly exciting and cathartic, but only mildly.

My score vastly improved when I was backed into a corner by corporate security thugs and street gangs who were working together just to kill me. Why these two factions are working together is unclear. Apparently this is the story-free version of the game.

Halfway through the campaign, I switch avatars about to a skinny woman with a curvy figure and short skirt. All the weapons look bigger in her hands.

Alas, as much as I’m enjoying the urban destruction, it gets tedious just as I begin the story mode. If I had purchased the title when it had just been released, I probably would have played it a lot longer to drown my sorrows in digital gore. But it’s too late now, or I’ve grown jaded to cartoon violence.

Controls: I figured them out pretty quick, which is okay.

Graphics: Too cartoony to take seriously, which kinda works in the game’s favor, mostly doesn’t.

Sound: What you’d expect from an early 2000s game about rioting.

Best Part: I have lost my morbidly curious desire to play Hatred, which had really been depressing me for the past few days.

The Trash Bin: BloodRayne 2 Devoured My Soul in a Bad Way

BloodRayne 2Hello, and welcome to the Trash Bin, the column where we review old games nobody cares about because certain dark powers felt it necessary that I do so. I’m your host, a man who is doomed to spend eternity searching for a reason to care about anything.

As my last piece had hinted at, I have in fact been turned into a vampire. It’s precisely why the best way to describe today’s game, BloodRayne 2, is as “a fragile black rose, covered in thorns; now get me some fucking rum so I can stop talking like this.” Yes, vampirism is not much fun.

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Rayne, Kain, and Mykal Lakim Visit Burger King

I came to in the basement in front of a TV playing sitcom reruns.

“Damn it, Ward,” I instinctively yelled at the screen, “Share a bed already! You’re married and have two children; nobody believes you haven’t been sleeping with her!”

“Not, so, loud…” a sultry voice said to me as I found a blade being placed at my throat.

Blood Rayne 2I looked up. Naturally, it was Rayne, wearing her usual array of bondage gear and wrist blades. I looked around the basement. Kain was still sleeping in his coffin next to his ridiculously phallic magic sword. Mykal Lakim was, as usual, passed out on the floor.

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Fear and Loathing in Equestria: A Savage Journey into the Heart of a Fan Product

Because I’m the tabletop RPG guy here, I thought I’d indulge in a palette cleanser after the last sad wreck of a game I reviewed. Because I’m a bad person and I like the idea of yanking Josh W.’s chain, I opted to review a fan-made My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic game called Roleplaying is Magic. I expect that when I’m done, I’ll be puking rainbows and glitter.

I can’t really find a group of gamers as twisted as I am, so I’m only going to be making a character. The first part is characterization. The text focuses a lot on character, including references to the show that pony fans will appreciate. Then come statistics. Attributes and hit points are a dead ringer for the Tri-Stat dX system. On the plus side, the package system really does remind you that you’re playing My Little Pony.

You can make this is Roleplaying is Magic, particularly if you've been drinking.

You can pretend this is Roleplaying is Magic. Particularly if you’ve been drinking.

Natural and Special Abilities vary between pony race. Unfortunately, the Skill and Edges chapter is some distance from the character creation chapter. In the book’s defense, there are only 175 pages of this stuff.

The Virtue system seems kinda like Mutants and Masterminds hero points. I am strangely okay with this. Oh what the hell’s this… 4 skill points to divvy up between 99 separate skills? Now this seems kinda ridiculous. The skill system smacks of GURPS, though descriptions are mercifully short. Some of the skills seem like they belong in more adult settings, but the book gives ideas for G-rated uses. I was especially impressed by the author’s ability to turn surgery into a G-rated ability by example. It was useful and really reminded the reader that they’re in a kids’ cartoon universe.

Appearance wise, this thing isn’t too bad. It doesn’t look as good as an official product , but it’s about the quality of an indie game on DriveThruRPG. It’s kind of like a garage band that’s good enough to get gigs in small clubs. Advancing up the experience tiers to make your character more powerful is kinda time consuming, Still, it’s doable.

… Hey, wait, I’m done. It took a little bit of time, but I’m fairly confident that’s how a character is supposed to be made. I feel like the universe is back in proper alignment.

My Little Pony: Roleplaying is Magic Season Three Edition is going to rate pretty high if you enjoy Friendship is Magic. The mechanics are kinda sketchy, but it captures the essence of the show, and the entire thing is completely free. If you don’t like ponies, it probably won’t be your thing. The important thing is that we learn to tolerate each other and…

And now Josh W. is threatening to remove parts of my anatomy with a mechanical pencil before I spew more sugar and rainbows. Fair enough.

Hunter The Reckoning: Wayward is Good, for a Beat ‘Em Up

Lazy Top Image

I’m still technically doing a series on playing my PS2 games from scratch after having lost my memory card. I know it’s hard to believe, since my ability to stay focused is legendarily bad. We’ve also had a small run of articles on real gaming, which means this is a great moment to go back and take a look at Hunter The Reckoning: Wayward.

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