Let me begin with a personal message to Mykal Lakim: I was a jerk to you.
Most of what was written in the two reviews I posted was due to frustration with your product, and I can own up to that. I know it must have hurt, but that’s the problem, isn’t it? No creator likes being ripped into like that, but Vampire: Undeath really is that bad.
For the sake of our sanity, which has become interconnected, I’m going to do what I do in every last one of my art classes: point out the good bits of your work and dole out suggestions for what to fix.
1. You have some creepy ideas in there. Vampires absorbing memories in blood was a new twist. Imagine what would happen if a vampire drained a serial killer and all of those terrifying memories were seen as beautiful through the killer’s eyes. Nasty. Likewise, ghouls are creepy as hell. Develop them better in the next edition.
2. I understand that you’re trying to create an action-packed game about vampires, a concept that’s long overdue. Vampires have been subtle power-mongers in RPGs for nearly two decades. Let’s get some blood pumping action going with our gothic horror, yeah?
What to Fix
1. Get an editor. Immediately. Hire someone with an English degree, tell them to go over your work with a fine-toothed comb, and listen to every last one of their suggestions. It will make the book so much more coherent that people will be able to actually play it. What are you waiting for? Get an editor!
2. Formatting. Implement double columns like every major RPG, shrink the margins to fit more text, and decrease the font size by a few points. And when you think your done, run it past your editor to see if it’s legible.
3. Sit down and come up with more original ideas. The blood memory thing proves that you can do it, but far too many of your concepts and bloodlines seem lifted from Vampire: the Masquerade. I know, you’ve claimed no relationship between that game and yours, but no one is being fooled. Just spend your next day off with a notebook doing nothing but thinking up new ideas for your game. Try it.
4. Figure out what the vampires in your game actually do and write about it. Beyond a few quick stereotypes, the vampires don’t really do anything. Insert plot hooks for the gamemasters to work with in your next edition. Just do something that shows your vampires do something other than drink blood and hang out.
Mykal, I present these words not to condemn your work, but to lend a hand. And you really do want to heed my advice on this one. The internet at large, and there’s no reason to keep fighting.