Alcoholic Luigi Hates Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire, Has No Soul

Luigi the Pokemon TrainerBack in May, Alcoholic Luigi left a comment voicing his disdain for Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire. At the time, I did my best to keep my emotions in check. I’m GeekParty’s Senior Editor, and I treat all our staff with respect, even if they do have terrible, terrible opinions.

But after hearing him reiterate his stance the other night, I can stay silent no longer. Alcoholic Luigi has no soul, and I’ll prove it with facts and evidence.

1. Alcoholic Luigi hates Plusle and Minun

Luigi Plusle and MinunWhen the top Pokémon researchers decided Pikachu wasn’t cute enough, they engineered Pluse and Minun. They took every step to ensure their adorability, from their goofy-looking ears to their cutesy tails.

But Alcoholic Luigi is impervious to their many charms. When he gazes upon at these sweet Pokémon, he’s filled with a contempt no Pokémon deserves. Not even Garbodor.

2. Alcoholic Luigi hates Torchic

Luigi and TorchicAlcoholic Luigi has some appreciation for Blaziken, but he cancels out this bit of good judgement by hating its original form — Torchic.

That’s right. Alcoholic Luigi is the kind of person who can look at an adorable baby chick and return its happy smile with a sneer. Could you do that with a soul? I think not.

3. Alcoholic Luigi force-feeds alcohol to beloved childhood characters.

Alcoholic Luigi Big BirdThis has nothing to do with Pokémon. It’s just further evidence Alcoholic Luigi is a soulless jerk

4. Alcoholic Luigi hates Mudkip

Luigi and MudkipNot liking Pluse and Minun is forgivable. Hating Torchic is awful, but something I could learn to look past. But Alcoholic Luigi has committed the ultimate sin — hating Mudkip.

That’s right. He hates the Pokémon so lovable its likability spawned a massively popular meme. He looks into those giant, goofy eyes and looks back with pure hatred.

No one with a soul could possibly hate a Mudkip. It’s been proven with science.

science of mudkipAlcoholic Luigi may claim to have a soul, but in actuality, he’s an empty husk sustained only by hatred for fantastic Pokémon.

So, as Alcoholic Luigi sails his meanboat out onto an ocean of bastard, I’ll sit back and enjoy the Ruby and Sapphire remakes. Because unlike Alcoholic Luigi, I like Torchic. I love Mudkip. And I am in possession of a soul.

  • TerrorKingMugen .

    i like ruby and sapphire, but agree with all the opinions supposedly expressed by alcoholic luigi. and up till mega evolution i thought the only truly redeeming quality about mudkip was its ground type resistance to electricity, and even that requires at least one evolution so…

    • Josh Wirtanen

      You agree with Luigi? Even the part about force-feeding alcohol to beloved childhood characters?

      You monster!

      • TerrorKingMugen .

        You don’t think it would be fun to see cookie monster try to figure out why he keeps missing his mouth with the rest of his face? Or barney sing I love you to the plant in the corner, before giving it an uncomfortably long hug?

        • JN Elfprincess

          Now I totally want to feed Cookie Monster and Barney alcohol.