Alcoholic Luigi on Twitter Harassment: You’re Doing It Wrong

Luigi Baby GateI’ve often said that people are stupid and I hate them. This is because I’m an asshole, and I’m a big enough person to admit I’m an asshole. There are entire articles on how I’m an asshole, and I’ve made quite a few jokes about it, as well.

Oddly enough, I’ve always been able to indicate how much of an asshole I am without going on Twitter and calling people sexist and racist slurs using incredibly misspelled words. Which, for some reason, several people feel is a perfectly appropriate response to Anita Sarkesian’s “Tropes vs. Women” series.

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Fictional Friday: Unimportant Debates with Imaginary People, Part 1

Alcoholic LuigiPompous orchestral music begins to play as the dark screen lights up. The fresh lighting shines down on a single desk, at which sits Alcoholic Luigi. His mustache is carefully waxed, and he has sitting in front of him a sheaf of index cards, and a ceramic cup set upon a small saucer. He grabs up the index cards, straightens them out, and then peers directly at the camera.

“Hello, all,” he begins in calm tone. “This is ‘Unimportant Debates with Imaginary People’, and I’m your host, Alcoholic Luigi. Today’s show-” he stops talking long enough to reach down and pull out a drawer of the desk. With a quick, fluid motion he draws out a bottle of rum, opens it, and pours the brown liquid into the ceramic cup before re-capping it and placing it back into the desk drawer. He then continues speaking as if this were a normal action. “Wild Arms, a JRPG series from Media Vision, has spanned seven major releases over three consoles, as well as inspired several other media installments, and has been considered the best console RPG by Media Vision to merge Fantasy, Sci-Fi, and Western flavors.”

Wild Arms 6“It was the only RPG by Media Vision to do that!” comes a voice from off-screen. Alcoholic Luigi very calmly reaches under his desk, and after a moment a loud clicking sound occurs. It’s followed by a loud scream, which fades into the distance. He shoots a stern gaze slightly off camera, as if daring anyone else to make a comment, before picking up his cup and taking a sip. He then continues speaking.

“Did you know, however, that Media Vision produced a remake of their original Wild Arms, entitled Wild Arms: Alter Code F? Naturally, great debate has risen about which is better, and this is the debate we present to you tonight. Here in the studio with me are two masters of debate. On my left…” The stage lights flare up, shining on another Alcoholic Luigi, only this one is wearing a green visor instead of the normal hat. He’s also working studiously on an old-style adding machine, muttering under his breath. “Bean Counter Luigi. Bean Counter, tell us a little about your stance and why.”

Wild Arms - Rudy's Gun“Well,” he looks up from his adding machine, “my stance is fairly simple. The re-make is clearly the superior product, due to all the fine-tuning done to the story and gameplay mechanics. The details of what was changed simply add up to a better, more fulfilling game play experience.”

“Thank you,” Alcoholic Luigi says with a nod. “And on my right, we have…” The remaining stage lights flare on, showing Alcoholic Luigi in a more traditional ‘Luigi’ hat, gnawing on a red-capped mushroom. “Nostalgic Luigi. Nostalgic, what is your position, and why?”

“Well,” Nostalgic Luigi responds, wiping mushroom crumbs from his mustache. “Obviously the original is a far superior product. It’s more creative and full of raw energy, and my opponent is a dickhead.”

Wild Arms“At least I’ve got better intellectual skills than an unlicensed NES game,” Bean Counter spits back. Alcoholic Luigi clears his throat loudly, giving both participants a steely, drunken eye.

“Might I remind the participants that we have strict rules regarding the use of insults. Any ad hominems used outside of the insulting phase renders the participant subject to reprimands from the Stick of Pain.” Both participants quiet down, and Alcoholic Luigi looks back to the camera. “As you can see, this is already shaping up to be a heated debate for the ages. We will touch on the changes to game play, story, and soundtrack. We will not be touching on graphics, since the original was a first edition PlayStation game, and if Media Vision can’t make better graphics for a PlayStation 2 game, they don’t deserve to be in business. We’ll begin our debate after these commercial messages.”

The pompous orchestral music plays again as the camera fades out.

The television displays repeated pictures of milky, silky chocolate being poured over bite-sized wafer pieces. After a moment, the camera pans out, showing a man in a flowing white robe. He has long brown hair, which is pulled back with a hair net, and he’s wearing plastic gloves. He looks up at the camera, and smiles.

chocolate“Oh, hey. Didn’t see you there. As you might have guessed, I’m Jesus. Your Lord and Savior. I was just making a new batch of RisenChrist brand candies!” The images change to show pieces of the candy wrapped up in cellophane, large white crosses as the picture image. Hands unwrap the candy as Jesus continues to narrate.

“RisenChrist is covered in a sweet milk chocolate that tastes as tempting as any sin, but is hand-chosen to be the lowest in unhealthy fats. Not to mention, it’s the only candy with a crunchy, Christ-filled center!”

The television shows the hands that unwrapped the candy placing it into a mouth, though only from the nose down. The mouth chews, and then smiles brightly as a jingle plays.

“RisenChrist, RisenChrist, try the Lord today!” A bell rings as the jingle, and the commercial, ends

chocolatesThe scene fades back in to find Alcoholic Luigi at his desk, a lit joint between his thumb and forefinger and a cloud of smoke wafting in front of him. The orchestral music swells, and he looks up at the camera with a look of shock. He coughs, and waves the smoke away before speaking.

“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. You’re watching ‘Unimportant Debates with Imaginary People,’ and I’m your host, Alcoholic Luigi. For those of you just tuning in, the discussion tonight is whether the original Wild Arms, a fantasy/western JRPG created by the company Media Vision, or its re-make Wild Arms: Alter Code F, is the better game. Let’s go now to Nostalgic Luigi. Nostalgic, you have one and a half minutes to give us your background and state your case. Let’s start with the story.” Alcoholic Luigi sits back in his chair, making a gesture to someone off camera before pointing to his cup.

wild arms“Thank you.” Nostalgic Luigi sits straighter in his chair, furrowing his brow in an overall stern look. “Wild Arms was the first game I got for my original PlayStation, and I was in love with it. It’s a traditional ‘save the world from destruction’ type story, but with a number of nuances to give difference. For example, the world had already fought off an invasion from an alien race. The world we see when we start the game is already dying. Will humanity manage to find the inner strength to save the planet once again? The hope of the world lies in a magical princess who can’t even love herself, a treasure hunter seeking vengeance against his own weakness, and a young man who fears himself more monster.” Nostalgic Luigi’s face breaks into a wide smile, and he leans back comfortably, as though his point is already made. “They have to find it within themselves to have the strength to revive the world’s gods, and fight back the aliens who would destroy them. And it’s all set in a Western-like background.”

The camera shifts back to Alcoholic Luigi as he looks into his empty ceramic cup. He finally tosses it behind his back, where it lands with a crash of breaking ceramic, and simply reaches off screen. He produces a bottle of rum, and drinks straight from it before waving towards Bean Counter Luigi. The camera pans over, and Bean Counter looks up from his adding machine.

“My opponent is completely right. The story is solid, no matter how you look at it. Where the remake shines, however, is in the smoother translation and attention to detail. The original was good, but let’s be honest. There were holes. There were things that weren’t explained very well due to dialogue. There was lackluster characterization. In the remake, each character felt more like a full-fledged person rather than a stereotype. A good example is Princess Cecilia. I’ll touch on it more later, but they changed one of her special items, and in doing so changed her from a generic princess with a magical macguffin into an active character you might want and need to use. Ignoring how these changes make things better is a sign of…” Bean Counter blinks, looking off screen. The camera pans over, to see Alcoholic Luigi holding a large stick, pointing it at Bean Counter in a threatening manner. “… a sign of… a person who merely disagrees with me.” Alcoholic Luigi nods, placing his stick back under his desk, before looking over to Nostalgic.

“We have to get to a commercial break. When we get back, we’ll get into the debate proper, starting with gameplay. Stay tuned.” He gives a big smile to the camera, before looking down at his empty rum bottle. He looks off screen with a scowl. “Someone get me more rum!”

The camera fades out.

ron paulThe camera comes in on Ron Paul, sitting on a throne made of gold rings and necklaces and other baubles. He’s sitting atop what looks like a scrap heap in a post apocalyptic wasteland. Glenn Beck stands nearby, holding a giant chainsaw sword and wearing big football pads with spikes glued on.

“Hey, Ron Paul here with Moneyforgold.com. If you’re like me, you pay attention to the financial and economic swings going on around you, and you know as well as I do that the bottom could drop out of the financial backing of this country at any moment. When that happens, what do you have your money invested in? Electronics? Hard to run without electricity. Stocks and bonds? Worthless when the only government is how many bullets you have in your gun. But that’s where Money for Gold comes in.” Ron Paul looks off-camera. “Beck! Undesireable!” We hear, from off camera since the camera’s doing a close up of Paul, the sound of a chainsaw and then a pained scream! Paul nods, and continues.

“Money for Gold is keyed in to the current gold market, which is raising and is only gonna rise from now until eternity. And if you invest your money into gold? Then you’ll have something shiny to pay your guards with. And to those people who might ask what good gold’s gonna do when the world blows up, all I can say is…” he reaches down to his throne and pulls up a gold necklace. “See? Shiny.”

glenn beckHe tosses the necklace to Beck, who catches it mid-air. He seems quite happy with it. Camera pulls back and the image blurs, and words pop up on the screen.

MONEYFORGOLD.COM. BE THE LORD OF POST-APOCALYPTIA

We come back to the desk, where Alcoholic Luigi has a chubby redhead dressed up like Princess Peach sitting on his lap. Alcoholic Luigi is feeding her strawberries, seeming completely uninterested in the camera. After a moment, someone off camera clears their throat, and Alcoholic Luigi looks over, annoyed.

“Oh, right. Welcome back to Unimportant Debates With Imaginary People. I’m your host, Alcoholic Luigi, and we were just getting into the debate proper. Nostalgic Luigi, why don’t you tell us about the gameplay?”

The camera pans over to Nostalgic Luigi, who’s busy shoving an entire power mushroom into his mouth. He chews quickly and then swallows, before standing up and thrusting a finger into the air.

Alcoholic Luigi“I proclaim that the gameplay is in the traditional JRPG style! It has the classic style of stats upgrading with leveling up, fighting enemies to get experience, and buying and finding new, fancier items as you progress through the game. A solid, old fashioned JRPG. Who can argue against that being fantastic? No one but a…”

The camera pans out to Alcoholic Luigi, who’s feeding the woman on his lap a strawberry with one hand and holding up a large stick with the other.

“Bean Counter? Your rebuttal?”

alter code f“A lot of Alter Code F just feels right,” Bean Counter starts off as he adjusts his visor. “They did away with needing new and better weapons every new town, instead giving you stat upgrades based on skills and story events. They made regular attacks make more sense with the story. The mage re-gains MP when she smacks people with her wand, the gunslinger actually uses his gun as a weapon instead of different guns as special attacks, and the guy with a magic power based on drawing his sword really quickly only draws his sword when he’s using a magic power. Additionally, several characters that always felt like they should be recruitable characters now are. This makes the story fit the gameplay fit the story, which is something every good game should do. They changed up how the dungeon exploration tools work, in some cases changing the tools entirely. This added new depth to old dungeons, as well as giving them the ability to make all-new dungeons. And, while I know we’re not talking about graphics, the change from a top-down 2D view to a top-down 3D view allowed for more creative puzzle creation. All in all, it feels a lot more like a game, as opposed to a more linear, button-pushing story.”

“Yeah, well, you’re stupid,” Nostalgic Luigi says, flinging his hat at Bean Counter. Alcoholic Luigi’s reprimand is swift and sudden, because he’s suddenly standing next to Nostalgic Luigi, smacking him with the stick of pain.

“What did I say about the ad hominems?!”Alcoholic Luigi yells in between strikes. Nostalgic Luigi throws his arms up in a vain attempt to defend himself. The camera then pans to the woman dressed as Princess Peach, who looks at the camera and sighs apologetically.

“We’ll be back after this commercial break.”

pavementThe scene opens with a pedestrian stepping off the sidewalk and getting hit by a public transit bus. The bus stops, people are freaking out, yelling for paramedics. Then, everything stops, and the victim sits up* “Are you tired of getting hit by buses? I know I am. I can’t hardly walk across the street without the little bastards trying to run me down. Thankfully, the good people at Prescott Pharmaceuticals have created this.” He pulls up a pill bottle with a picture of a bus in a red circle with a line through it.

Bus-b-Gone. Bus-b-Gone causes your body chemistry to emit a special hormone that buses simply can’t stand.” Drawing of a human outline emitting wavy lines, with buses backing away “Just one Bus-b-Gone a day, and your bus troubles are over.” The commercial ends with the same scene as the beginning, only this time, instead of hitting him, the bus turns and skids and crashes into a wall. Carnage, but the guy smiles at the camera.

Five Games for People Who Hate People

Alcoholic Luigi's Postcards from MetaCon 2013I want to state this in no uncertain terms: I dislike people. I dislike dealing with them, I dislike being around them, and I dislike listening to them speak. All in all, I find people to be horrid little creatures.

This means I have a lot of time to myself, which means I have a lot of time for games. If you’re like me, you’re probably looking for games to fill up your people-free life. Well, look no further! These five games are perfect for any misanthrope.

Star Ocean: The Second Story

star ocean: second evolutionI’ve purchased Star Ocean: The Second Story no less than five times. Not only does it have a fantastic main story, but the ending each character gets depends on a number of in-game choices. This means that every single time you play, different characters could end up together in different ways. Add in the many items you can find and the different paths the story can take, and you’re left with a game you can spend months playing and replaying.

And know what you won’t be doing during those months and months? Interacting with real-life human beings.

Artificial Girl 3

Artificial Girl 3Remember when I said that this game was almost feminist? I stand by that.

However, it can also be a great relationship simulator, at least for certain values of the word “relationship.” Okay, it’s not really a relationship simulator at all, but it does allow you to have some simulated human interaction, and it does allow you to have sex. Which, if you hate people, is really all you were looking for anyway.

Valkyrie Profile

Valkyrie ProfileEven though I’ve only written about this game for GeekParty once, I absolutely adore it. One of the things I really enjoy about it is that it shows you each character’s death, and explains why it was considered heroic. Real people suck and hardly ever die heroically, which means you need some entertaining simulated heroic deaths. Valkyrie Profile totally delivers on that.

Grand Theft Auto V

Grand Theft Auto V MetareviewReally, all of the post-PSOne-era GTA games are perfect for misanthropes. You hate people? That’s just great! You can punch them, beat them with baseball bats, shoot them, and do all kinds of nasty things to every single person you come across. It’s great fun!

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Chicken SkyrimIf you’re a regular GeekParty reader, I’m sure you already knew that this game would be my number one choice.

Skyrim is a game you can get lost in. It’s a game you can spend hours playing. It’s a game where you can have a spouse and children, but you don’t actually have to do anything to maintain those relationships.

It’s everything a hater-of-people could ever want.

Latest Star Fox Confirms I’ll Buy a Wii U

StarfoxThere have been a number of things that make me think I might want a Wii U. Hyrule Warriors, for example, gives me the ability to play as Princess Zelda (though not immediately, which bugs me). Mario Kart 8 was a lot of fun. And Bayonetta 2 looks fantastic. Plus, there’s going to be an open world Zelda game, which sounds a lot like Skyrim to me. So that’ll be a thing.

But more than anything, I want a Wii U for Star Fox.

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Fictional Fridays: Skyrim – Based on a True Story

FictionalFridayHeader-Skyrim

The lightening flashed purple and blue in the sky over the Reach. Angry forks split the clouds, and peals of thunder caused the mountains to shake.

But the mountains shook even more with the force of the battle between the Dragonborn and the Dragon. The evil wyrm Shouted to the air and ground, its breath of frozen fire leaving scars in the rock. The Dragonborn moved with swift feet to escape the blast, but could not fully free herself from the ancient magics. Yet the Dragonborn was not without her own strengths. She drew breath, and gave a Shout of her own.

“Yol Toor Shul!” Her cry reverberated around the mountains as a blast of fire, powerful as any of the Dovah, shot forth to consume the ancient wyrm. The dragon cried out in pain and anger before flapping its enormous wings to carry it behind a mountain peak.

Skyrim Facebook Hacked

The Dragonborn waited, knowing the evil wyrm had a plan. She stood, holding her sword steady, her shield strong, The ancient Dovah was powerful, but she was Dovahkin, gifted by the great Akatosh the strength of his children. She would not fall nor falter — she could not, for if she did, the dragon would continue its reign of terror on the poor people in the valley below.

In the blink of an eye, the wyrm moved back, its wings barely flapping as it rode the wind. The Dragonborn drew a breath to Shout, but before she could, the evil Dovah Shouted first. Its thu’um had the mastery, for the Dovah spoke swiftly and spoke with evil intent.

“Iiz slen nus!” The Dovah cried, the power of its thu’um echoing across the mountains. The Dragonborn found herself thrown back by the force of the blast, encased in ice as solid as the rock around her.

Down, down she tumbled, hitting rock and crevice as she fell off the mountain perch on which she battled. The ice around her as much a blessing as a curse, for it kept her safe from the force of impact. Yet it also kept her from fighting back, and made her an easy target for the Dovah.

Dragonborn

The dragon swooped down from the mountain, following its prey, knowing its victory was at hand. It landed with a great thud in front of the Dragonborn, waiting for her to finally break free of the ice. She struggled, knowing that she had to reach her sword, knowing that if she died there would be no others to carry on her fight, yet nothing short of a miracle would win her this battle.

That miracle was nearby! From the mud and gunk of the stream in the valley came a righteous bubbling. Arising from the shore came the Mudcrab, vicious and cruel, swift and angry. With a purpose, it skittered towards the ancient wyrm, and raised its pincers in attack. Small as it was, it was insignificant to the eyes of the Dovah, and that was the wyrm’s downfall.

The dragon roared in pain as the Mudcrab’s pincer found a target, biting through thick scale and flesh to draw blood. The great Dovah began to turn, hoping to face this new threat in battle, but the Mudcrab would not let up. Again and again it used its mighty pincers to bite and draw blood, and though the dragon roared in pain, it could not put down so small a foe.

Mudcrab

This distraction allowed the Dragonborn all the time she needed. With a great cry of victory, she broke free of the ice that encased her. Then, with all her might, she thrust forth her sword, burying it deep within the chest and belly of the dragon. Blood spewed forth like a geyser, and the great Dovah fell, dead.

And thus did a lowly Mudcrab save the people of the valley.

I’m Having More Fun Than Is Reasonable with Girlfriend Construction Set

girlfriend construction setNot too long ago, our beloved senior editor Mandi wrote about a game called Girlfriend Construction Set. It’s an MS-DOS game that’s essentially a text-based dating simulator. Well, since the Internet Archive now has almost three thousand MS-DOS games available in your browser, I decided I’d take it for a spin.

And holy hell, is it far more fun than is reasonable.

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Fictional Friday: Leave The Pipes Alone

sewer

Photo Credit: Thomas Nemcsek

 

Editor’s Note: Every Friday, GeekParty allows its most prolific liar, Alcoholic Luigi, to write an article that’s pure fiction. This way his fictional leanings don’t find their way into the his other stories. Trust us, its easier this way. 

 

Just leave the pipes alone.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking old Johnson’s just a drunk. Well, you’re right, but he didn’t used to be that way. Used to be one of the best workers we had. Then he found one of the pipes. He saw what came out of them. He was there for the bloodbath.

What do you mean? What bloodbath? How can you be a sewer worker and not have heard the stories? Or did you hear about them and just decide they were full of shit? Well, you wouldn’t be the first guy. Still, you dig down deep enough, and I promise it’ll happen.

You’ll find a pipe.

mario pipe

They’re green as a lush forest, made out of some thick, metallic substance that, sure as shit, isn’t from this Earth. One time a couple of the guys and I tried to jackhammer one down. We broke three jackhammer heads before we called it quits.

And that was one of the small ones.

If you work here long enough, you’ll see a pipe. If you’re lucky, it’ll be one of the small ones. You’ll spot it sticking out of a wall, or maybe poking up out of the ground. Either way, if it’s small, you can probably just ignore it. Mark that section as a no-go, bury the thing back up, and get the hell out of there. Don’t sit around and listen to the sounds that come out of it. You’ll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what kind of creature can make a noise like that.

flytrap

If you’re unlucky, it’ll be one of the big ones, big enough for a person to go in. If it’s big enough for a person to go in, it’s big enough for one of those plants to come out. You ever seen a Venus Fly Trap? Picture that, but big enough to eat a man — teeth sharp as knives. Or maybe one of the turtles will come out, big snapping turtles that’ll take your hands off. You know how Johnson has a prosthetic leg?

He was there for the bloodbath.

Go inside? Are you fucking insane? Look, we had a couple of guys one time. They found one of the big pipes. A couple of brothers, good workers. Then the older one gets a crazy look in his eye, starts yammering about saving the princess. I don’t know what the hell got into him, but the next thing anyone knows, he’s diving into the pipe like a man on a mission. His brother just stood there, a look of disbelief on his face before he dove in after him.

Last anyone heard from either was the younger brother’s voice echoing from deep within the pipe, calling out “Maaaaarioooooo.” That was years ago. No one’s heard from either of them since.

Look, just leave the pipes alone. You’ll be happier that way.

Microsoft’s Kinect Team Is Working on New Tech?

MSLogo

It looks like Microsoft is busy creating some new, innovative tech! Or at least, they’re hoping it’ll be new, innovative tech. Or maybe it’ll be a new spin on old tech. Or maybe it’ll be some old tech that they’re going to repackage into new tech.

…Let’s start over.

Microsoft is looking to hire a software engineer. But, and here’s the interesting bit: the job description talks about creating some new technology. Here’s a direct quote.

“You’ll help us build magical, delightful, and disruptive consumer experiences for the next generation of technology (from the creators of the Kinect: Alex Kipman & Kudo Tsunoda).”

I don’t know what “the next generation of technology” is, but lets hope that the people at Microsoft doesn’t try to foist it on everyone like they did with the Kinect. I think we can all agree that that particular piece of technology hasn’t really panned out.

 

Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End and False Promises

Uncharted 4 ButtBecause our editor in chief keeps suggesting it’s a fantastic series, I took a look at the trailer for Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End. When I saw the name of the game, I was ecstatic. It seemed as though Naughty Dog was finally listening to my request for them to make a game entirely about Nathan Drake’s butt.

And yet, after looking at the trailer, I can’t help but feel like I have been lied to.

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Skyrim Sex Mod Brings Flavor to My Marriage

Skyrim sex modSo, I’ve already written about the Animated Prostitution mod for Skyrim before. It’s a mod that adds the ability to have sex in the game. Technically, the mod lets you have sex with just about any NPC, and it allows you to actually sell yourself for a mere fifty gold (apparently the Dragonborn is cheap).

But I actually enjoy using it to add flavor to my marriage.

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