Fictional Friday: Skyrim, From A Certain Point Of View

ScreenShot119

Ysolda walked into the Bannered Mare, plotting to get some dinner for the night. What greeted her was not the warm, comforting tavern she was used to. It was chaos. A pile of animal furs sat in front of the fire. Empty bottles and daggers were strewn about the room, and food was splattered everywhere. She moved quickly to Hulda, who was busy picking up a smashed apple pie.

“Hulda! What in Oblivion happened here?!” she asked, moving to help the older woman.

“The Dragonborn happened,” Hulda said, placing the smashed pie on the table before moving to pick up a goblet.

“What do you mean? Was there some kind of fight?” Ysolda asked, picking up an empty wine bottle.

“No. First, the Dragonborn comes in, and asks about some rumors. I told her about that Aretino boy trying to summon the Dark Brotherhood. Then she tried to sell me all those animal furs and daggers, and when I couldn’t afford them, she just began dumping them on the ground.” Hulda moved over to the pile of furs and kicked them once in frustration. “What am I going to do with fifteen wolf pelts? Why didn’t she tan them and sell them to Adrienna?”

“But what about the food?” Ysolda asked, looking around at the food still on the floor. “How did the food get everywhere?”

“Oh, the Dragonborn jumped up and down on every table for five minutes,” Hulda responded, as if she was used to that. “She does that every Tirdas. It’s nothing new.”

“Is the Dragonborn mad?” Ysolda asked as she moved to the window.

“I’m beginning to suspect it, but what can we do?” Hulda said, shaking her head. “She’s the Dragonborn.”

“Well, she appears to be coming back,” Ysolda said, moving quickly to a corner of the tavern. The Dragonborn strode quickly through the doors of the tavern, storming directly to the counter.

“Hulda, how much will you give me for this,” she asked, holding out a crystalline object. It glowed with a blue tint, and had eight wavy arms branching off of one large, blue tinted gemstone. Hulda looked at it in surprise.

“Is that…is that Azura’s Star?” she asked, awe in her voice.

“Yeah. It’s taking up room in my pack,” the Dragonborn responded. Before Hulda could answer, however, the woman strode purposefully away from the counter. She moved to the back of the tavern, standing herself in the corner, and simply stared, lifelessly, straight forward.

“…Why is the Dragonborn standing in the corner?” Ysolda asked, moving cautiously towards the counter.

“I’ve found it’s best not to ask questions. Did you want some food, deary?” Hulda responded, content to go back to pretending nothing was amiss.

“…That may be the smartest thing I’ve heard all day. Yes, I’d like some dinner,” Ysolda responded with a small smile.

Alcoholic Luigi’s Skyrim Mod Spotlight: SPERG

ScreenShot115Welcome back, Lords and Ladies, to the segment that you’ve all been waiting for. No, not the one where I take off my pants. That happens later. It’s time once again to shine a spotlight onto a specific mod I’ve been using in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

Today’s mod is Skyrim Perk Enhancements and Rebalanced Gameplay, otherwise known as SPERG.

SPERG is not a mod that incorporates some silly little oddity into Skyrim. Instead, it completely reworks how the perk and leveling up systems work. It grants you automatic perk points once you get to certain skill levels, which means you don’t have to waste your points on perks that, for example, make combat skills viable. No more “spend perk points to make your armor rating not suck” perks here!

It does lower the number of perk points you get overall, but you don’t need as many perk points, because you get some points for free. Plus, the most important thing is that one of the new Speechcraft perks gives you a permanent animal companion.

I personally use a mudcrab, because mudcrabs are awesome, but it could be a dog, boar, deathhound, or a baby wooly mammoth.

In the end, SPERG feels like a perk reworking that rewards you for simply playing the game. It doesn’t make you work for every single gain in your stat pool, and I appreciate that. Plus, mudcrab is awesome.

MUDCRAAAAAAAAAB!

I’ve Never Really Enjoyed A God Of War Game

godofwar

I’m probably just weird, and I get that. But by the time I had a PS2, God of War 2 had already come out. I rented the first game on Gamefly, and I played for a bit. It’s not that it was a bad game, not really. Obviously people like it, so who am I to say that it was bad?

I just never enjoyed it.

Maybe it was the horribly sexist treatment of women. They were all there to be sexual objects for Kratos. Maybe it was the really repetitive button mashing. Maybe it’s just that I hate joy.

I don’t really know why I always disliked God of War. I even bought the PSP version and played it for a bit. But I just couldn’t get into it.

I can’t be alone in this. There has to be other people who also didn’t enjoy God of War. If you’re one of those people, we should connect. Maybe we can start a club.

Whatever Happened to Final Fantasy IX?

Final Fantasy IX - Black Mage

With the ever-impressive Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn hitting the market over the summer, I’m left to ask important questions. Questions of deep thought and heavy weight, the sort that hang in the mind of all JRPG fans everywhere. The one, single question that’s been burning in our minds for years upon years at this point. Whatever happened to Final Fantasy IX​?

[Read more…]

Where Are The Transgendered Characters?

Transgendered Chracters Title

November 20th was Transgender Day of Remembrance. It’s a day we remember the people who’ve been killed for the crime of trying to be themselves. As an openly gender-fluid person, you might say this day is important to me, which is why I’m using my status as a highly respected video game journalist to ask the question:

Where are all the transgendered characters?

[Read more…]

I Was Wrong About Far Cry 4

So, back when E3 was happening, I wrote an article in response to the Far Cry trailer. My article stated, in no uncertain terms, that the game was racist. Not more racist than any other triple-A shooter, but racist none the less. Why? Because you played a white guy who went into a foreign country to shoot foreign people and save their nation.

It has since come to my attention that the main character is actually Asian, and from the country he’s saving. So let me bust out this picture.

[Read more…]

Star Trek Online: The Clubwear is Calling Me

0900419baf3e975cc03d73ebfb62351d1416509045

It’s been months since I’ve played Star Trek Online. The role playing dried up, so I sort of lost interest. I also felt as though the game would never really live up to the ideals of a Star Trek game and all it could be.

That’s probably still true, but at least my characters are going to be able to rock some club wear!

[Read more…]

I Am Really Bad at Just Cause 2

justcause

Recently, Steam had a sale in which they offered Just Cause 2 for a mere three dollars. Being the kind of person who has to game on a budget, I bought the thing. I’d heard it was a fun, destructive romp, and that does seem to be true. I’m only having one problem with the thing.

I really suck at playing it.

[Read more…]

Rogue Legacy Is Exactly The Kind Of Game I Hate, But I Can’t Stop Playing It

Title

When I play video games, I play them to feel good about myself and what I’m doing. I like games like The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, which let you feel powerful and competent. I tend to hate it when games throw a stupidly high difficulty curve at you, and expect you to suffer before you can become even remotely passable at playing them.

Yet for some reason, I’m enjoying the hell out of Rogue Legacy.

Rogue Legacy is a punishing platformer in which you run around an ever-changing castle as one of several different classes. Each class has slightly different stats and abilities, which can make each playthrough different. And every time you die, not only do the rooms of the castle change position, not only do the enemies respawn, but you have to play as your own heir, with slightly different traits and stats. Maybe your heir will be color-blind, and everything will be in monochrome. Maybe your heir will have ADHD, and move slightly faster. Maybe your heir will have giantism, and be scaled larger. It’s a crapshoot.

Due to the ever-changing status of the castle, the only way to become good at the game is by taking things slowly and learning enemy tells. In theory, I hate that. My own ADHD makes it difficult to pay close attention to tiny details like that, I don’t find it particularly fun to continuously smash my face against a wall in hopes of getting slightly better. Somehow, though, Rogue Legacy keeps my attention.

I think it’s because Rogue Legacy never feels like it’s punishing me for being bad. On the contrary, it feels like being bad is part of the game’s draw. “It’s okay,” the game seems to say as it offers me a new heir, “Everyone sucks at me. Here, keep all the gold you found and buy some upgrades, see if that helps you.” Or maybe I just like laughing at myself for being so bad.

Either way, I’m having an insane amount of fun with Rogue Legacy. It’s well worth the 15 dollar price tag.

Five Fictional Products Dumber Than the DekaVita (That Thing That Turns The PS TV into a PS Vita)

dekavita

For those of you who don’t know, the DekaVita is a third-party piece of hardware that takes the PlayStation TV, which is basically a screen-less PS Vita, and turns it into a huge, awkward Vita. It features a 7-inch non-touch screen, and is slated to cost more than either the PlayStation TV or the Vita. It also offers a full five hours of charge! So it takes a the Vita TV, turns it into an awkward version of the Vita, and it costs more.

As long as we’re coming up with dumb products, I’d like to suggest the following products get made.

robot

5. Automatic Ball Kicker: This could be a robot that kicks soccer balls, but that would be useful for people wanting to practice soccer. Instead, this is a robot that kicks people in the balls when they turn it on. Whenever you press the on switch, a radio beacon is sent out, and when it comes back with information on where your balls are, the robot then kicks them. If you don’t have balls, don’t worry. The robot will kick you, anyway, because fuck you.

footshoe

4. Reverse Cleats: For those who aren’t knowledgeable about sports equipment, cleats are a type of shoe that has spikes of some sort on the soles. They’re used to keep a firm footing during sports activities, when slipping and falling might be especially detrimental. Reverse Cleats are shoes with spikes going inward, towards the bottom of the foot. You might want these if you’re practicing walking on nails for some idiotic reason.

livingroomvita

3. KaijuVita: Why stop at simply making a smaller device even bigger and more impractical? The KaijuVita is a device you put your DekaVita into! It boasts a 20-inch screen, and requires its own stand so it can be situated on a desk top. To play the KaijuVita, simply plug in a KaijuController (not included), and play your Vita games the way they were meant to be played! Coming soon, KaijuVita Red. It’s not a KaijuVita that’s colored red, but rather a red filter that covers the screen, rendering all games in faux 3D glory!

robotweed

2. Weed Smoking Robot: Are you tired of not having a robot that smokes weed? Then you should purchase the weed smoking robot! It’s a robot, and it smokes weed. Is there any use for such a device? Of course not! Why would anyone need a robot that smokes weed? But by that logic, why would anyone need a large box to stick their smaller gaming device into?

censored
1. Invisible Clothes: Now, stick with me here. It’s not that the clothes are invisible… not exactly. The clothes are completely real, and completely solid. It’s that only people smart enough to see why you would want the DekaVita can actually see the clothes. If you don’t see the clothes, that just means you’re actually too stupid for such a high class product.