I Finished Link’s Awakening on an Actual Game Boy; I Am Clearly a Better Person Than Josh W.

Link's Awakening ChickensRecently, our senior editor Josh W. wrote an article about never having finished The Legend Of Zelda: Link’s Awakening. He cited a lack of batteries as the reason, saying that he simply couldn’t afford to buy as many batteries as it took to beat the game.

I don’t know what kind of cheap ass batteries he was using, but I beat that game three times on the old greybrick Game Boy and only had to replace my batteries once or twice.

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Saints Row IV Has the Best Use of Dinosaurs I’ve Ever Seen

Saint's Row DinosaurThere are many games that include dinosaurs. There are the Dino Hunter and Turok series, in which you fight dinosaurs. There’s the old We’re Back game on the SNES, in which you play as a dinosaur. There are several Jurassic Park games, some of which let you fight dinosaurs and some of which let you play as a dinosaur. But the absolute best use of dinosaurs I’ve seen happens in Saints Row IV.

I mean, just watch this video from the Enter The Dominatrix DLC:

It’s so completely batshit insane that the characters even say it’s completely batshit insane when it’s happening. I won’t spoil all the details for you, because you should really watch this (or, better yet, play it) for yourself.

But it turns out the dinosaurs are intelligent raptors from another planet. And they sing you the song of their people.

It’s total batshit, and it’s great. If anyone tells you that they have found a better use of dinosaurs in a video game, they are wrong.

Thus saith Alcoholic Luigi.

Alcoholic Luigi vs. AniMinneapolis 2014

Rampage Is a Dinosaur Game, End of Story

rampageRecently, my co-worker Tyler wrote an article claiming that the NES classic Rampage is not actually a dinosaur game. He bases this idea on the fact that the dinosaur character, Lizzie, started out as a human that swam in a toxic lake, so therefore she’s not a real dinosaur.

My co-worker is an idiot. Rampage is clearly a dinosaur game.

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I Wish I Liked World of Tanks More Than I Do

World of TanksWorld of Tanks is a free-to-play MMO where you command a tank. The game puts you on a team with a bunch of other random players, and you tank it out against an opposing team.

It’s incredibly detailed and, for the most part, all the tanks are historically accurate and interesting to play. There’s a nifty leveling up system, giving you the ability to detail out your tank’s stats and gunners and such.

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I Don’t Even Like Early Access Games in Theory

Steam Early AccessBecause I don’t own a current gen console, I do most of my gaming on my laptop. Due to this fact, a large majority of the games I play come from Steam, which means I get to see all the games that are on Early Access. And every time, I’m forced to ask the question: Who the hell thought this was a good idea?

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DeadLock Is a New Show from Game Theory’s MatPat, and It’s Great

game theoryI love watching YouTube videos about video games. In fact, I probably enjoy watching videos more than playing the games they talk about. So, you can imagine how overjoyed I was when one of my favorite YouTubers, MatPat from Game Theory, put out a new series.

He calls it DeadLock, and it’s a debate show. You can see the first episode here:

The debate episode centers around is fairly old: the SNES vs Genesis. But, true to form, MatPat brings a unique spin on it by looking beyond the technical aspects and the games that came out on each system, focusing on the long-term effect that each system had on the games industry.

For example, I didn’t know that the Genesis was the first console to have wireless controllers, net access, and downloadable content. Nor did I realize it was the first console to actually use CD-based games. That’s a pretty impressive legacy.

If you enjoy GameTheory, or just like informative debates, you’ll want to give this series a closer look. Even if you’d rather play games than watch videos about them, you’re sure to learn something cool.

I Wish I Could Have Been in the Planning Meeting for Saints Row IV

Saints Row IV Cheat CodesI recently picked up a few of the Saints Row games in a Steam sale. I played through a few hours of Saints Row 3, just to familiarize myself with the setting and gameplay. It felt like a slightly off-beat Grand Theft Auto clone. It was bit over the top, what with the whole “cash through an airplane” opening, but that just made it more entertaining.

Then I played Saints Row IV, and my mind was fucking blown. [Read more…]

Fictional Fridays: Super Mario Bros. – A Different Perspective

Princess Peach Amiibo

There was so little time.

She knew her father probably already deployed the ultimate weapon. Her captor had been warned that it would happen; it always happened. But this time, there would be a difference. This time, she would succeed where she had failed before. This time, she would redeem him.

“I hope you’re comfy in your cage, Princess!” Bowser’s gravely voice echoed around the stone chamber as he relished his supposed victory. “Your precious Mario won’t be able to help you after I unleash my ultimate plan!”

“Bowser…” Peach began, her voice soft yet firm.

“That’s King Koopa to you!” Bowser growled, his eyes narrowing in anger. Peach bit back a sigh, fighting the urge to pound her head against the bars of her cell from exasperation.

“King Koopa,” she said, keeping the sigh out of her voice. “Think about this. Every time. Every time Mario comes, there’s a fight, and thousands of your subjects are killed. Not just killed, but crushed to death. Is that truly what you want?”

Smash Bros Bowser

“Of course not!” Bowser yelled, flinging his hands in the air to emphasize his point. “You think it makes me happy, knowing what Mario does to the people I rule over?! Mario has committed war crime after war crime, he’s crushed and set fire to my minions. And he laughs while doing it! That’s why he has to pay! That’s why my Ultimate Lavanator…”

“Will get destroyed just like everything else!” Peach exclaimed, clutching the bars of her cell. “Please, King Koopa, listen to me. We both know that Mario is on his way here right now. But this doesn’t have to end like the other times. You can let me go. I can keep him in check. You know I’m the only person who can.”

“Hey, let us not forget, it’s your kingdom that lets the Mario loose!” Bowser exclaimed, his voice practically a growl. “You could just stop releasing him.”

“No, Koopa, we can’t,” Peach said, her face dropping, her sorrow evident. “We can barely keep him contained as it is. Every time you threaten war, he practically cackles with glee. You think we like what happens? But we can’t stop him when you start up. Because you always kidnap me, and I’m the only one who can keep him in check.”

“…You don’t like the Mario any more than I do, do you?” Bowser says, stepping closer to the prison bars. “Then why let him stay?”

“We don’t let him,” This time, Peach didn’t even try to keep the sigh out of her voice. “He stays because we’re too scared to get rid of him. We wouldn’t even know how.”

“Why…why haven’t you ever said this before?” Bowser asked, his voice a low rumble. “We could take out the Mario together! We could…”

“Don’t you see, Koopa?” Peach says, her voice going soft. “He thrives on that violence. We can’t get rid of him that way. Every time you try a violent solution, he’s unleashed. And then your subjects get crushed, set on fire, thrown into pits…and all the while, he laughs.” She stretches a hand through the bars, reaching out for him. “But together, through peace, we can stop him. We can stop the death, the killing. We can make things different.”

Mario the Merciless

Bowser met her eyes. Peach put everything she had into the look, all her hope, her tenderness…her love. He had to know there was a place for him in the Mushroom Kingdom, that they could grow past the civil wars and the deaths of so many soldiers. If only he would…

The castle’s alarms began ringing out with a frantic, pounding tone. Bowser broke away from her gaze, his brow furrowing angrily as he looked towards the door.

“He’s coming! This time, this time I will destroy Mario!” Bowser yelled, striding for the exit. And Peach sighed, a single tear escaping her eye. She had been so close this time.

I Have Finally Discovered the Wonder of the PlayStation Network

Okay, let me go ahead and bust out this picture already.

Luigi-eats-crow-2Yes, I have to once again eat crow. For a variety of reasons, I finally signed up for the PlayStation Network using my PSP. I had never actually gone online with my PSP, you see.

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Fictional Friday: Goat Simulator – The Creature Comes

goatHer legs burned, almost as much as her lungs. Every breath was a struggle, but she knew she had to keep going. If she stopped, it was over. If she stopped, the creature would catch up.

She had never seen anything like it; she didn’t even know things like it could exist. She had watched the thing run up walls, knock over street signs, and drag people kicking and screaming to their doom.

And now it was after her. [Read more…]