Alcoholic Reviews: Star Trek Into Darkness

May 20, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I’ve seen little of late that has left me feeling as full of nerd-rage as Star Trek Into Darkness. Not that it wasn’t an enjoyable movie. It was, but…

First, the good. Abrams once again put a great deal of attention into the Star Trek skin with which he covered his action movie. That was a thing I appreciated from the 2009 movie, and Abrams continued doing just as good a job. He also kept a fair grasp of characters, and even allowed his female characters to appear competent and useful (outside of one specific unnecessary T&A scene which had me literally throwing popcorn). They did such a good job that I didn’t even notice the women were in the gogo boots and miniskirt uniforms until near the end of the movie. The acting was good; it was at least as good as the 2009 movie, if not better due to the actors having a better grasp of their roles.

The biggest upgrade, to me, was that Abrams tried to make it a more thoughtful movie. Through all the complaints of the 2009 movie, the only one that I felt held any water was the fact that Abrams made a dumb action flick out of an IP that had always tried to be more thoughtful. Into Darkness made an honest attempt. I certainly won’t argue that “Kirk learns he must give of himself and take responsibility for his actions, while Spock learns that he can not be a robot” is the most basic Trek lesson ever, but one must learn the basics before one can advance.

On the technical side, Abrams tried for the action formula once again. Unfortunately, in doing so, he rarely gave the audience a chance to sit and absorb what they were seeing. Tension was inserted so ham-fistedly, I felt that a better movie title would have been Star Trek: Everyone Running. The most flagrant of those moments was when Scotty was sneaking through an enemy ship, trying to help other characters sneak aboard. It would have been a perfect moment to insert some stealth-filled tension, which would have made a great dramatic counterpoint to the frantic pace at which the other team was attempting to sneak in from the outside. Instead, we got five minutes of watching Scotty run.

The other problem was that, in making the movie a Star Trek “Message” episode, they took away from Khan. Yes, Khan was the villain…except no he wasn’t. The real villain was a Starfleet Admiral who, in his fear of the coming war, had unfrozen and attempted to manipulate Khan into helping him build weapons. I want to note, however, that the part itself was not the problem. The “genetically enhanced supervillain” was a perfectly fine character that fit in just fine with the overall narrative. There was not, however, any reason for him to be Khan. Quite frankly, making him Khan at all did the entire movie a disservice, since this representation simply could not live up to the fear the original could cause. It felt more like he was made Khan because the fans wanted to see Khan.

Which brings me around to the other problem. Tell me if this scene sounds at all familiar. The ship is approaching critical mass. The warp core is about to breach. They can almost get it fixed, but… shit, the core is misaligned! One of the senior officers, intent on saving the crew of the ship, runs into the core in spite of the fact that the radiation will kill them, and manages, in the nick of time, to re-align the core and get power back to the ship. The ship is saved, but at the cost of his life! Upon finding out about his death, one of the other senior officers shouts “KHAAAAAAN!”

ABRAAAAAAAAAMS!

Yeah, not only did they take two scenes from the original, re-hash them, and then mash them together, they also switched up who did what. I didn’t mind Abrams having Kirk perform Spock’s sacrifice, not in and of itself. I honestly felt the movie had worked to earn Kirk sacrificing himself heroically, and at that point, essentially re-shooting the situation from the original was a nice touch of fan service. What the movie did not earn was Spock’s emotional outburst. Not only was it not earned, it wasn’t needed. Had Spock stared at Kirk’s dead body, a single tear rolling down his eye, and then stood up and went after Khan in the exact same way, the scene would have been entirely acceptable and appropriate.

Instead, what we got was a gigantic flashing neon sign saying “LOOK, I’M GIVING YOU TREK FANS WHAT YOU WANT, RIGHT?! YOU THOUGHT THESE SCENES WERE GOOD, RIGHT?! DON’T YOU LIKE THEM NOW IN THIS MOVIE?! AM I A TREK MOVIE YET, AM I AM I AM I?!”

Well, no, Into Darkness, you’re not. Or rather, you almost were, right up until you did that. See, I’m pretty forgiving of the various uses of the Star Trek IP as long as the makers show that they tried. Trying, in this case, meaning that they show that they comprehend what made Star Trek what it was. That’s why I gave the 2009 movie a pass, because even though it was a dumb action flick, Abrams at least took the time to inform us that it was an alternate timeline. But in his zeal to create the perfect Star Trek skin for his dumb action flicks, Abrams made a glaring error and showcased that he had no understanding of the IP’s substance. It’s not that he took whole scenes and jury-rigged them into his movie, its that he did so with those scenes. Why?

Because those scenes defined what Star Trek was. Spock’s selflessness in the face of certain death, Kirk’s rage becoming so overwhelming that all he could do was scream the name of his enemy, those were moments that made us connect to the setting and the characters in a way that little else had. What’s worse, Abrams brought Kirk back at the end of the movie, which only served to hamstring the entire message he’d tried to set up. I’m not down on it entirely, I felt like they put in the work to justify saving Kirk. But in Wrath of Khan, when the movie ended, the audience was forced to sit there and process the ultimate meaning of Spock’s sacrifice. There was no internet back then, no rumors of a third movie, which meant there was no promise of Spock ever coming back. The audience was forced to sit and accept the fact that for all the good Spock had done, there now is no more Spock. Into Darkness, by contrast, told the audience “as long as you’re heroic enough, things will work out fine! No need for Pyrrhic victories here! Nothing short of fully happy endings!”

As I said, it was not a bad movie. I’d even say it was a good movie, and a little better than the 2009 movie, by virtue of trying to be more thoughtful. As much as some people complain about Abrams saying he was never really a fan of Star Trek, I do feel like he’s trying to think like a fan. I just can’t help but feel like he’s one of those fans who who watched a whole bunch of random episodes so he could talk about all the cool scenes, but didn’t bother to engage the actual material because he cares more about being seen as a fan than being a fan.

Could be worse, though. Could have been directed by Michael Bay.

How Trigger Happy Let Me Beat Bowser

April 30, 2013 By Leave a Comment

You know it’s going to be a bad day when you wake up to find the hooker dressed like Princess Zelda ODed on something during the night. Under normal circumstances, I’d have fed the body to Yoshi and called it a day, but in this case, something stopped me. The smell.

I’ve smelled plenty of dead bodies, but this one was different. I bent down and sniffed at the blood that was dribbling out of her mouth, trying to identify the stench. It felt like I had a long list of skills, several of which could have covered this particular task, and was allowed to choose the one I had the best chance with. Since I had the Investigation skill, with a specialization of ‘Identify Hooker Stenches’ which gave me a +2 bonus to the roll, it was a pretty easy choice to make. From the smell, she’d gotten hold of some bad power-mushrooms. That just wouldn’t do. It outright enraged me, as if I had specifically chosen some mechanical option of ‘killing fetish hookers’ for some cosmic GM to use in order to draw me into a game!

I hopped on Yoshi, and made my way to Koopaton. I didn’t immediately want to blame my old nemesis Bowser, but it was often said, not incorrectly, that all drugs in the city went through him. Still, I needed information, and I knew just the turtle to ask. I rode through the city’s back alleyways, Yoshi kicking up flurries of dead power-leaves and goomba urine, until I found the grimy corner in which my target sat. Joey Two-Tone, hated by both the red and the green Koopas on account of his shell being half red and half green, sat leaning against the wall, an empty syringe hanging out of his arm. I could see the last vestiges of the red door potion he’d shot up, and bit back my gag reflex. It was probably the cheap potion, too, knowing Two-Tone.

I hopped off of Yoshi, and knelt down to slap the turtle a couple of times. He started awake, his eyes fluttering for a moment before finally opening. His bloodshot eyes rolled in their sockets before he finally focused on me. Upon recognizing who I was, he cringed, bringing his non-needled arm up to cover his face.

“I didn’t do nothin’! Don’t bop me, man!” His turtley voice wavered with fear, which only served to help my purposes.

“Won’t have to if you tell me what I need to know. Woke up next to a hooker who ODed on some bad ‘shrooms.” I kept my voice soft, since I knew his mind was at least half in another world.

“I don’t know nothin’, man. I mean, you know those poisonous mushrooms, man. They…they look almost just like real mushrooms, they’re just a little off-color…” I would have bopped him then and there, but I noticed the flutter of wings.

I was on my feet in an instant, only to find five flying Koopa thugs coming at me from both sides. I felt only a slight pause in the world, as if we were trying to decide who would attack first, and then it was on. I grabbed Yoshi around the neck, and threw him as powerfully as I could at the group of three thugs. This was probably not my absolute best course of action, since I knew I had no throwing skill, but I sort of felt like whatever cosmic being was running this funhouse wouldn’t penalize me for it.

Indeed, they didn’t. Sure, I would have done better if I’d had more skill, but Yoshi’s size and my luck made it a successful attack. Yoshi smacked hard into the Koopa thugs, slamming them against the nearby wall and causing a shower of blood, gore, and shattered turtle shells. Still, there were two more flying abominations with which I had to deal. One rushed me, but I could dodge easily enough. It smacked into the wall behind me with a thud. The other rushed, and I was less able to dodge then.

The fight was quick and brutal. Multiple opponents made it difficult, and while I had a number of tricks up my sleeves, none of them felt appropriate. I finally decided to play possum, hoping that they would take me to their leader.

They did.

I had a bag thrown over my head, and I was carried through the air. My joints ached, my head spun, and I could only hope they didn’t decide to kill me. Thankfully, after what seemed like forever, I was dropped from an annoying height. The wind whistled past me, and I hit the ground with an uncomfortable thud. I couldn’t rest, though. I quickly pushed myself to my feet, pulling the bag from my face.

There, before me, in all his horrific reptilian glory, was my old nemesis. He still wore the bloody hat he’d ripped from my older brother’s dying head, which he’d set off-kilter on one of his head spikes. Rancid smoke plumed from his nostrils with every breath, and I could see the slime dripping from his reptilian skin. I knew, without a doubt, I was looking at him.

Bowser. King of the Koopas.

“You’ve been passing off poison mushrooms, haven’t you?” I didn’t mean to yell…no, that’s not true. I totally meant to yell, because Bowser was a horrid fuck who’d caused nothing but trouble in my city.

“What’s it to you, greenie?” He smirked as he stood from his clown-faced throne. “Even if I did, you’re not gonna do anything about it. I own this city. You?” He raised a hand, popping the claws on all three of his giant turtle fingers. “You’re nothing more than chain chomp chow. Just like your brother.”

It was as though the cosmic GM had decided to press each and every one of my Triggers. So what if I could only get a bonus from one, it was fucking on. I knew I had to make my first punch count, so I put everything I had into it. Which was totally doable, because I still had enough physical might and determination to afford to lose. With so much put into my first attack, my punch hit Bowser right in the eye, bursting it and causing him to be blind. Sure, he could have used the same inner strength to overcome that blindness, but I’d made my point.

The rest of the battle is a blur. All I know is I woke up in a puddle of my own vomit, a handful of D10s pressed into my face and a copy of Trigger Happy lying next to me. I’m going to presume it was the Xormians.

For your own over the top action game, you can head here It’s at the half-way point, so help it reach its goals and get in on the action. This is just an example of the sorts of over the top, action oriented games you can have using the system. The mechanics support pick up and play type adventures, and they do a fantastic job of supporting the kind of adventures the narrative fluff sells the player. The world hates you, hate it right back.

Star Trek Online; Legacy of Fanservice

April 24, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Now for the time you’ve all been waiting for….

ROMULANS!

 

I got chiiiiiiils, they’re multiplyin’!

Yes, the Romulan missions have dropped on Tribble, and now I’m here to tell you all about them. It started, as it always does, with character creation. After naming my character ‘Chesty McChesterson’ and sliding the ‘bust size’ bar to the lowest level I could manage, I was dropped into the Romulan colony. That’s right, you play one of the colonists, an escapee from the weakened Romulan Star Empire, if you will. My first mission? Killin’ bugs!

In all honesty, it was a beautifully designed and rendered environment. It really felt like a colony that had put itself together out of whatever it could find, and I had a good time exploring it. In fact, Cryptic has done a fairly good job of creating a Romulan feel all around, up to and including the innate traits they’ve made for the Romulans (which, as you may have noticed from the picture, are all around the idea of being a stealthy backstabbing mother fucker).

Killing bugs became finding an odd machine, which became fighting through an attack by the Tal Shiar, because of course no colony is safe when they live in the Star Trek universe. I fought through the destruction of my home, attempting to get to one of the escape shuttles which would take me to one of the few military vessels the colony had. I was warned that they were old, but still functional. Can you guess what they were taking me to? I’m sure you can.

 

Once again, Cryptic comprehends on what side their bread is buttered. Once I was on the ship, I played through shooting debris in order to quick patch a few systems, and it was only then I realized I’d been playing through a tutorial. They’d done such a good job of integrating the tutorial into the story that I honestly hadn’t noticed, unlike the Federation side tutorial. The difference, I think, comes from the fact that the Romulan side tutorial felt natural. I was a colonist, and then I was captaining a vessel because I was one of the few colonists with military experience. Meanwhile, on the Fed side, I was the last of the bridge officers still alive after an attack, but I was still ranked Ensign, which, while not impossible, felt dumb.

The next ten missions involved trying to find proof that the Tal Shiar had attacked the colony, finding a new home, and building up towards a peace conference with the Klingon Empire and the Federation. They were well written, though when I got to Dewa III/New Romulus, it took only a minute before I was screaming ‘I’VE ALREADY SCANNED ROCKS ON NEW ROMULUS, DAMN YOU!’ at the screen.

I won’t spoil the peace conference for you, but suffice to say the colonists impressed the Federation and the Klingon Empire, which leads to the spot that’s been making most of the fanboys scream in rage before they even knew how it would work (but there I go being redundant). Once you hit level 10, you join either the Klingon or the Federation faction. This was done, in large part, so that Cryptic didn’t have to further divide their player base. During this time of high resource grinding so players and fleets can build up starbases and embassies, not to mention the OMEGA and Romulan reputation system (and the newly added Event and Nukara reputation systems), having a third faction that would require all those resource heavy purchases would have been insane.

Are we going to see Romulans flying around in Galaxy class cruisers and Klingon Birds of Prey? Sure…if said Romulan player feels like grinding out enough dilithium to buy them. Otherwise, they get their choice of one (and only one!) free Romulan style ship every ten levels. This has its own ups and downs, since it does help keep the Romulans…well, Romulan, but it also means changing up ship play style a little with every new ship. It’s not so bad most of the time, since the Romulan warbirds are a little less maneuverable than the Escort style ships, but have a little more hull strength. The D’Deridex class, however, is more of a cruiser style ship, and causes quite a jolt when you go from the 14 turn rate of the previous ship, to the 5 turn rate.

 

Put points a second Science officer? SUCKS TO BE YOU!

 

So, final question. Is this the Romulan experience everyone wanted? Well, probably not. You don’t play as a soldier in the Romulan Star Empire, you can’t join the Tal Shiar, and while there’s certainly a hefty number of Romulan missions and ships, there’s just not enough Romulan ships in canon to have the kind of selection the Federation or even the Klingon Empire has. However, let’s be honest. If you sincerely expected a different Romulan experience to come out of STO, I have some stocks in this great new company called Enron to sell you. The player base of STO isn’t even large enough to justify a two faction war, let alone three, in spite of Cryptic doggedly insisting the Romulans are their own full faction. Keep saying it, guys, maybe one day it’ll even be true!

But, that falls into the overall issues of STO and game play, which is something I’ll get into with my next article.

Space, the Oddly Familiar Frontier

April 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Somehow, I’m the Star Trek Online guy. Okay, fine. If we’re going to do this, might as well do it right.

Taken by my first officer on her iPhone 5

Now that that’s done, you may recall from my last article that STO is gearing up for their first expansion, Legacy of Romulus. It’s slated to drop in May, but they’ve been releasing information via development blogs and the occasional forum post. Since you’ll never find a worse hive of scum and villainy than the STO forums, and the development blogs don’t give you the benefit of my unbiased opinion, I’ve decided I’m going to do articles leading up to the release.

Which brings us to this article. They’ve begun implementing some of the upcoming changes on their public test server, and since I’m a gold member, I have access to those changes. While there’s no doubt a number of small, mechanical changes they’re working on, the thing that I want to talk about today is their new HUD appearance. You can see some of the changes from the picture I just took earlier today while standing on my bridge, but here’s a clearer picture, from space!

The visual differences are fairly striking, and for the most part I like them. They’re brighter and larger, making them much easier to read than the previous HUD. I find myself mis-clicking less often when playing with the new HUD. It helps, too, that it feels very TNGy, as well. While I’ll never claim Next Generation was my favorite Trek (that would be Deep Space Nine, which all objective watchers know can only be bested if Dr. Who had a story arc guest starring Jedi Betty White), it’s hard not to love the graphical throwback.

They also gave us viewscreens!

Sort of.

They haven’t actually changed anything about the interior of the ship (at least, not as of the writing of this article), but when a dialogue box pops up, the art design looks like you’re speaking to someone on a viewscreen. There have been several reviewers who’ve complained about the previous design, proclaiming it to look like lifeless faces are talking to you from the void. Well, I don’t know about fixing the lifeless faces, but…there’s a view screen!

“Okay, who set the viewscrewn to widescreen mode!?”

I know you don’t care about that, though. Like me, you understand what’s important in a game. Like me, you want to know about the deep, hidden crunchy bits in what may be the greatest F2P model game ever. Since I know you have this burning question, I’ll go ahead and answer it.

Yes, they’ve changed up the interface for the tailor, but no, they have not desegregated the outfits. I do like the changes they’ve made thus far, however. As you can see in the image I’ve taken, they’ve set up a ‘quick outfit’ option, which gives you a list of potential uniforms and off-duty outfits and allows you to simply slap one on your character. They’ve also put up pictures of the different facial options, which was a much needed addition. Previously, you would have to pick an option and the change would occur on your character for your inspection. Being able to see the what the change will look like immediately makes character design quicker and easier, two things I enjoy.

Due to the nature of a test server, I’ve yet to play through any of the end-game content. Hopefully by the time I write my next article, I’ll be able to give you updates on various gameplay changes. They have begun to implement new reputation systems, such as a Nukara reputation, and an Event reputation, and they appear to be bringing back the Crystalline Entity event (which had been taken out of the game on account of everyone agreeing it was really an incredibly horrible bit of gameplay).

File a report to file a report in order to file a report, young officer!

While I said I like the appearance changes — and I do — thus far I’m not impressed with the changes. While this may change with more gameplay, the fact that the gameplay I’ve had hasn’t impressed me is part of the issue. Thus far, Legacy of Romulus offers a lot of interesting sizzle, but very little substance. The ability to play as a Romulan is potentially fun, but the faction itself has never been a huge draw for me. Of course, seeing as I’m already a lifetime member, Cryptic has no need to draw me in. They did that by letting me captain a Defiant class vessel and blow up borg.

Legacy of Romulus? More Like Legacy of Outfitus

March 29, 2013 By Leave a Comment

As many of you know, I am absolutely crazy for costuming (which is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike being coo coo for Cocoa Puffs). This love of designing clothing for digital avatars is so strong, so powerful, that it manages to overcome my pure and unadulterated hatred of MMOs. “Come,” Star Trek Online tells me, “play the prettiest ship captain in all the Alpha Quadrant!” I listen, and create the most fantastical outfits! Only one issue.

The clothing options are segregated as badly as right-thinking Trek fans and people who liked Enterprise.

For reasons that are still unfathomable to me, the development team decided to split the clothing options into ‘Uniforms,’ ‘Off-Duty,’ and ‘Formal’ (and two more sections, available with certain in-game unlockable outfits), and never the groups shall meet. I’ve always found this upsetting, because there are a number of clothing options I’d like to play with, but can’t due to being unable to mix an ‘off-duty’ top with a ‘uniform’ bottom. Still, they offer a large number of ‘Uniform’ options, and I find ways to make do, knowing that I shall never have my most grandest of fantasies fulfilled.

Until last night. I don’t know what happened, I couldn’t replicate it, and if I didn’t have screenshots, I’d presume I was insane. For reasons as yet unknown, when I went to the tailor to make a new outfit, I had a new option in one of my drop-down menus.

That spot where it says ‘Tr: Unrestricted’? That’s new. That’s where it would give you the option of chosing ‘Uniform’, ‘Formal’, ‘Off-Duty’, or other possible clothing sections. When I clicked on it, the option went away, giving me only the regular options that had always been available. When I didn’t click on it, however, and simply went to make my outfit? It was as though my wildest dreams had come true!

Had I died and gone to heaven? Had I given the Dev team an especially epic blowjob the last time I was blackout drunk? Had the Dev team seen my Season 7 article and come to understand that my wishes and desires were more important than any other players’ due to being a high-class geek journalist? I didn’t know, but I immediately set about making the exact outfit I’d spent an ungodly stupid number of hours grinding to make! Omega pants and belt, TOS Terran top, and finally, finally my bulky female tactical officer could run around in a cut off tank top and a belt full of grenades!

Much to my dismay, however, I soon discovered the outfits wouldn’t save. I tried numerous combinations, but as long as I was in ‘Tr: Unrestricted’, I could not actually create a new outfit at all. My dreams, dashed! My hopes and desires, destroyed! What had I done wrong? Had I not sacrificed the proper number of babies to Great Lord Stan? Had I accidentally used my teeth when giving the Dev team the aforementioned epic blowjob?

Actually, it was probably just a glitch left over from whatever patch they implemented earlier in the day. But it brings up an interesting question. The Dev team has never really said why they segregate the outfit options, other than ‘clipping.’ Seeing this happen, and having screen shots, suggests that either the coding already exists and they just won’t implement it player-side, or that it’s something they’re in the process of implementing and a glitch simply brought the code to the forefront sooner than it was supposed to come. Given that Cryptic is currently working on their Legacy of Romulus expansion pack, and one of the things they promised to create was an updated character creation system, I’m inclined to believe the latter. (Yes, Legacy of Romulus will also bring out a Romulan faction, complete with several new playable species and Romulan ships, but try to focus here. We’re talking about important things).

As I said, I’m inclined to give the Dev team the benefit of the doubt on this. Segregation of outfit types has long been a complaint (from people who like making outfits), and Cryptic has shown their willingness to go above and beyond to bring the awesome. Just in case, however, I feel I should make sure Cryptic understands how I feel by speaking to them in the way of our people.

DEV TEAM YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF THIS YOUR LOOSING PLAYERS OVER THIS AND ILL NEVER PLAY AGAIN IF YOU DON’T MAKE IT RIGHT!!!!!

Marscon 2013 – Day 3

March 14, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I awoke when the sky was still dark, and angry. It shouted its anger in booming crashes, drenching me with torrents of rain as I stood atop the hotel roof. Across from me stood Michael Merriam , holding a sword made from the dreams of romance novelists. I, of course, wielded my great mace and the world’s most epic set of testicles.

The sky lit up with a streak of purple lightening, and I took that moment to charge. We met in battle, neither giving ground as we tried constantly to one up each other. I would use my fantastical jumping abilities to leap over top of him, but he would use his Romance Novelist ability of premise whiplash to turn before I could get a back attack. He would lure me into a false sense of security with forced drama, but I have long since destroyed my ability to feel emotions, and thus, he could find no avenue of attack. We could have continued on for years, but I was clever. I pointed to someone within the hotel, and proclaimed they thought all romance novels were nothing more than porn. When he went into his endless novelist’s rage, I turned and ran.

Right into my arch-nemesis, Link. He and I began to battle, but a wandering Jedi knight felt the need to interfere. I had to figure out how to get out of these random battles. The Jedi knight, being a chubby redheaded woman, should have been weak to my awesome charms. She must have been a Jedi of the highest order, however, for she wasn’t. Finally, I concocted a cunning plan. I pointed a finger and yelled “Look out behind you!” When they turned and looked, I ran away and ducked into the Dealer’s Room.

I had thought I was merely attempting to find a way to get out of the battle. I had thought I was merely wishing to be free of the constant fighting. My hat knew otherwise. It knew that within these hallowed sales halls resided those who had aided it in finding its destiny. My hat led me to the booth area of Da Vinci Scientifica , the fine purveyors of steampunk and leather goods. Was this a dream, or was this reality? I could not tell. All around me were the sights and smells of more leather goods, and I wasn’t certain how I felt about that.

Photo by Da Vinci Scientifica

My hat, however, felt like it was at home. It hopped off my head, trundling over to its hatty brethren to have a family reunion. I sighed, pulling a power-up from my belt. (You should know what I mean by “power-up,” as I explained it back in my Day 1 coverage.)

After eating said power-up and swallowing a glass of water, the patron of the shop tapped me on the shoulder. I turned, and we began to talk. We talked of the world around us, of the myriad of dreams and fantasies that came together in one place. Of the ley lines of power, both mystical and physical, that produced such a plethora of desires and designs. We spoke of the universe, and of chaos theory. Finally, we spoke of me, and of my travels. My hat, I was told, was a very special hat. It had traveled many places, seen many things, and it had called to me. We had almost not come together, my hat and I, but for the work of fate, sending the shop’s owners out to retrieve my hat from its resting place.

Was I worthy of such a legendary hat? Could I continue on in the tradition of those who had come before? The shop’s patron refrained from giving an answer, merely getting his camera. He raised it to take a picture, and before I could argue, before I could demand an explanation, my hat hopped back on my head. The picture was snapped, and then I found myself stumbling out of the dealer’s room and back to the main stage.

I felt different. I felt powerful. I felt like a cat. That was strange and unpleasant, as was the picture I was forced to pose for. I roared in rage, demanding the universe put me back right. The universe argued, but I was Alcoholic Luigi, and I would not be denied. I could feel the power of my hat, calling to me, combining its power with mine, and I knew we had won. The universe itself could not deny my will. Once more, I demanded the universe right what it had wronged, but this time, it listened. The universe trembled at our power, my hat and I, and I felt reality shift.

Then Marscon was over. I was still in the main stage area, watching the closing ceremonies. Marscon 2014′s theme is to be ‘Time is the Key’, which felt fitting, given what I had just been through. It changes from the Crowne Plaza to the Double Tree, still in Bloomington, Minnesota. What new trials will appear before me, during the long march to next year? What new tribulations will occur? I do not know.

But I do know this: I had drunk and feasted with fierce Klingon warriors. I had gamed with beings who’s imagination and intelligence rivaled that of the gods. I had battled authors and videogame characters, I had lain with women whose majestic beauty makes mortal men weep, and I had seen the artwork and prop creations of the highest caliber. Whatever my geeky desires, Marscon 2013 had delivered.

Next year, Marscon, we shall meet again. And it shall be glorious!

Marscon 2013 – Day 2

March 11, 2013 By

Photo by Baron Dave Romm

Saturday. Marscon, Day 2. The day of reckoning. Or perhaps the day of drunkenly stumbling around without a clue. I hadn’t figured it out yet. (If your interested in the shenanigans of my first day, you can read about those here.)

I awoke in my hotel room, next to one of the three most beautiful women in the world, a beeping coming from my Facebook page. I tried throwing a turnip at it, but it turned out Facebook pages don’t have any physical substance, and thus all I accomplished was making turnip mash against the wall. At least I knew what I’d be eating for dinner.

I rose from my bed, poked at my Facebook page, and saw a message update from the Flopcast’s own Kornflake , promoting her early-morning water aerobics. On one hand, I am a mighty professional wrestler. On the other hand, Kornflak is a crazy energy lady who’s mere status message wore me out, so I said “Fuck it,” and went back to snuggling against one of the three most awesome pair of breasts in the world.

I awoke again on a pile of butter packets, but had I stopped to think about how strange that was, I wouldn’t have had time to make it to all the musical concerts. Fantastical comedy music acts such as The Great Luke Ski , Possible Oscar , and many more were waiting for me to enjoy! Then I remembered they were on the main stage, and I wasn’t going to deal with any fucking puppets again. I wasn’t even willing to go in there for the Logan Awards, no matter how many comedy music acts would be on display for my personal pleasure.

Photo by Baron Dave Romm

Instead, I drank an entire keg of beer and went to gaming.

I sat down at a random table, peeled three butter packets off of my face, promptly ate two of them, and put the third one down as my player piece. I was informed that butter was not an appropriate player piece, to which I could only respond with a hearty “Go fuck yourself,” for I was there to play chutes and ladders. They tried to say that they were playing D&D, and I said that was fine; they could play whatever they wanted. The GM proclaimed we were fighting a bugbear, whatever that was.

The Barbarian rolled to hit, and scored a massive blow with a giant battle ax while I poked at his character piece. The Bard rolled to cast a bardic spell, and inspired courage in the entire party. Of course, I was able to cast real bardic spells, and even offered to teach him, but for some reason the bard’s player didn’t seem grateful. The mage declared her intent to throw a magic missile, and I dove under the table. Think less of me if you wish, but having been hit with several magic missiles in my life, I wasn’t inclined to get hit with another one should the mage have crappy aim. Thankfully, the mage struck true, and it was my turn. I rolled the big D20, and got annoyed as I hit a chute and had to go down two rows. The GM then offered me more butter packets to leave, and I took the offer. More butter was better than trying to dodge magic missiles, or teaching ungrateful bards how to cast real magic, or whatever it is that barbarians do.

Photo by Baron Dave Romm

I ate my butter as I made my way back up to the 13th floor. The Logan Awards were over, which meant hungry Dementia Radio people would be swarming the hotel restaurant. I already knew about those Dementia people and their damned puppets, so I wasn’t going to eat anything there. Instead, I went up to the Dementia Radio party room, using the key I’d stolen from the marionette who was running it the night prior.

The room was quiet and empty, so I engorged myself on a pan of very special brownies. I’d have snuck out without a soul noticing, but Claudia Christian was wandering about and was drawn to the room by my epic presence. I can’t blame her. I made her a drink out of the room’s various liquors (I wasn’t going to use my own personal store, obviously), and we talked about her new book, Babylon Confidential. It seems like an awesome enough book, but since it has a considerable lack of me in it, I probably won’t be buying it.

I turned to leave after our chat, but in came the Dementia people. I couldn’t just leave, or they’d grow wise to my mendacity. I chose instead to continue serving them drinks, right up until… You guessed it, puppets. Puppets as far as the eye could see. I quickly shut the bathroom door, jumped into the toilet, and took a warp zone to the karaoke room to gird myself with the power of another bardic spell. I’d show you footage of my very powerful casting, but the nature of the spell is so fantastic that it destroyed all photographic evidence.

Powered by the potent prestidigitation, I went directly to the I.K.V. Rakehell, which was apparently docked in the Crowne Plaza. I’m not sure why no one noticed a giant Bird-of-Prey class starship hanging out with its nose in a hotel building, but just like every single Star Trek writer ever, I’m going to claim it was a cloaking device and hope you don’t look into it too deeply. The point is, I went to their bridge, where they were hosting their own party, and proceeded to have hot sex with four of their women before fighting two of their warriors.

I may have done more after that, but can you blame me for not remembering it?

But more adventure was in store for me on the final day of Marscon 2013.

Marscon 2013 – Day 1

March 11, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Marscon. A siren song for those who love comedy music in the Twin Cities area.

Marscon. The name upon all the lips of all the S/F nerds through the first weekend in March.

Every year, hundreds of these people make their annual trek to the hallowed halls of the Crowne Plaza in Bloomington, Minnesota, and this year, like so many others, I am one of those people. I have to be. You see, I am not merely the alcoholic doppelganger of one of the most beloved video game characters of all time; I am also Dementia Radio’s uncensored, unscripted, pissed off fanboy! I am the God of Holy Wrath and Bullshit, the All Powerful Nateboi himself, host of Rantin’ and Ravin’. Since Dementia Radio is a comedy music station, and had, in fact, sponsored the musical guests of honor (an English band by the name Flat29), I felt it was my duty to be at Marscon this year.

Photo by Baron Dave Romm

Knowing I was bound to run into trouble, I made sure to gird my loins properly with the highest quality tactical equipment. And beer, because beer makes me a veritable combat machine. As I wandered the halls, I was struck with utter amazement at how different this convention was from Metacon. Metacon had a very clear anime focus, at least if we’re using its participants as a measuring stick. This convention tried to present a more sci-fi feel, but the con-goers came from all walks of life. There were anime fans, there were S/F fans, there were fantasy fans. There were people into movies and people into gaming of all types. There were the music fans, who felt as though they were there in their own little con, amidst Marscon but not necessarily of Marscon. It was an odd feeling.

The second floor of the hotel was devoted to the main stage, where the musical performances happened; the dealer’s room; and registration. If you liked exploring, you could track down the gaming area. My exploring involved finding someone to give me a bag full of power-ups. And I’m going to be honest here: By “power-ups,” I mean “pills.” And by “pills,” I mean “a bag of illegal drugs.” Once that was found, I was ready for con.

There were panels, naturally, but no one goes to panels, so I didn’t, either. Instead, I went straight to the main stage to see the opening ceremonies. The Great Luke Ski, a comedy musician who’s got almost enough award-winning songs to satisfy his ego, was the MC for the event. I thought that was fine, right up until he turned into a puppet. As Luke Ski goes, so goes the con, for then there were naught but puppets. Everyone was a puppet. The musicians were puppets, the con-goers were felt, and there were googly eyes all around me. I didn’t know what spurred on the puppetry, but I heard something about beverages from the 13th floor that had an odd side effect.

When Cardboard Claudia Christian showed up, I knew I was done. I got to my feet, the GoH’s pleas for me to stay fading into the distance as I left the main stage area. I’m not ashamed to say I fled. I fled for my life, fled from the felt, knowing full well that when a puppet gets a hold of you, you’ll be lucky if all that comes off is your nose. I ran from the room, pushed through the crowds of people and puppets, my eyes on the silver prize of the elevator doors. I saw them closing as I ran, the constant background music that follows my every move speeding up as I ran out of time. Determination in my loins, I made a running leap, reaching for the elevator doors as though it were a green flag.

The doors of the elevator shut behind me, making a ‘doot-doot-doot’ noise as they closed. I turned and sat, pressed against the wall, catching my breath as I reached down to my utility belt. I pulled forth another power-up, this one liquid, and took a deep drink before asking the elevator operator to take me to the thirteenth floor. The only answer I received was the ding of the button being pushed, which I took as an agreement. I’d have sat there willingly, neither looking up nor away from my bottle of power-up, had the elevator not dinged again.

When I looked up, I saw what can only be described as King Puppet. A constantly shifting ball of twine and felt, taking on the form of so many past Guests of Honor, its googly eyes rattling with pure puppety hatred. It grinned a soulless moppet grin before its twine shot out like tendrils, grabbing me around the wrists and waist. I fought, oh how I fought, to get free from the twiney tomb, but the King Puppet was determined to feast upon my innards.

Finally, in desperation, I threw my power-up into the puppet’s face. This caused it to throw its arms into the air and flail around the elevator, giving me a chance to get the contraption started again. I kicked at the buttons, which lit up, and bent at the knee at the elevator shuddered to life. The King Puppet ceased its flailing, turning its baleful gaze upon me. One eye had melted, the black plastic rattle sliding through the goopy plastic in a way that I found altogether unsettling. It screamed a battle cry, but this time I was ready. I drew my pistol in one hand, my mace in the other, and we did battle.

When the elevator doors opened upon the thirteenth floor, I fell out victorious, awash in a sea of felt, plush, and twine. Other puppets gazed upon me as I got to my feet, pulling bits of twine out of my hat. They didn’t know it, but I was their salvation. I knew how to stop them, how to save them. I dashed towards the Dementia Radio party room, shoving aside its bartender with nary a concern for the marionette’s wooden clatter of protest, and began making drinks. I was not concerned for the state of the elevator, for surely our battle would cause absolutely no long-term damage. I cared only for the puppety state of the con!

Photo by Baron Dave Romm

The rest of the night is a blur of drinks made and shouting puppets. Since I am able to relay this story to you, however, I can only assume I was ultimately victorious.

And I assume this might help things make a bit of sense, but I’m still trying to piece it together:

And don’t afraid to continue on to my Day 2 coverage. Though a little fear might actually be wise on your part.

Dear Readers, I Love Star Ocean More Than I Love You

February 14, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Look, I know I’ve been writing fewer and fewer articles of late, but you have to understand something. Yes, yes, I am fully aware of the fact that I promised big things coming up in the future of my articles, and I totally plan on delivering. I’m also aware that I’m a professional game journalist, or at least I get paid a large amount of money and a large number of whores dressed as Princess Peach in order to write articles for this site, and you readers expect a certain amount of content a week. It’s just that something very important has come up, and it’s taking up a lot of time in my busy schedule.

I have to play Star Ocean: Second Evolution, you see.

Don’t tilt your head and look at the screen with that confused glint in your eye. I know you know all about this game. The PSP re-make of Star Ocean: The Second Story is one of the greatest console RPGs ever! Sure, it adds a new character that’s as annoying as finding a hole in your favorite blow-up doll, but the re-vamped art style and voices are fantastic! In point of fact, the new voice single-handedly saves one of the characters, who’s original voice was not unlike fingernails dragging across the chalkboard inside your soul.

Not to mention the Private Actions! How can you not have heard about the private actions? At every single town, you have the option of splitting up your party. They wander around the town, and you have the chance of heading over and talking to them. Depending on various things that have happened during the game, such as whether or not you’ve used items on them, if you’ve saved them from enemies during combat (and it’s real-time! When you’re on the battlefield, it’s real-time combat!) and have fulfilled other variables, you could have any number of short interaction scenes. Many of them involve questions with multiple choice answers, with relationship and friendship points raising or falling depending on your answer.

That’s right, relationship and friendship points! The game has a story, and it has an ending, but then each character has a variety of different epilogues depending on relationship and friendship point levels. How do you know which one you’re going to get?! You don’t! You can’t ever see those point levels, but they’re there, and they decide what private actions you’re going to get, and the epilogues!

Did someone say hidden characters? That’s right, motherfuckers! You can’t expect me to focus on trying to write bullshit articles for bullshit readers when I have to spend time and energy deciding the question of the ages: Ashton or Opera? You can only get one! And with Opera comes Earnest, who… Actually, Earnest kind of sucks, but he uses a whip, and that’s pretty cool! There’s also Precis or Bowman, and you can only get one of them, but Precis has an annoying voice (or had, before this remake), where as Bowman has an annoying everything fucking else, so that’s not really a choice so much as an exercise in futility.

If you believe any great console RPG has to have skills and hidden weapons and items, then this game has you covered! So many skills your head will spin, and each skill offers stat bonuses. Not just stat bonuses, either. Skills like Item Knowledge change the buying/selling price at shops by 3%, whereas Herbology raises the amount of health or MP you regain from certain items by 2%.

There are hidden bonuses too. Some skills give you free items when you level them up. You don’t know that, the game doesn’t tell you that, and you might never notice unless you’re observant, but every point in a particular skill pops one item that you did not have into your inventory. Combinations of skills at a certain level grant the character item creation skills, such as Mechanics, Customize, or Cooking (yup, you can cook food in this game), and when enough characters learn certain item creation skills, you learn Super Specialty skills that do even more awesome things!

And the skills aren’t only there for item creation. Combat skills cause active and passive effects in combat, allowing you to become a combat God. Then there are skills like Pickpocket, which, you guessed it, let you steal shit from people in towns. No, not ‘attack an enemy and steal something from them;’ no, you can actually swipe things from townspeople. Including your own party, if you’ve done a private action. Heck, your party members often have the best stuff in the game! Which makes me wonder about the conversations that happen.

“…Hey, where’d you find that God-like armor? It looks a lot like the stuff I had…”

“You mean the God-like armor that you never used and never mentioned you owned?”

“….Uh…yeah…that God-like armor…” (Shifty-eyed look)

“Found it on the side of the road. Anything else?”

“No, no, that’s all!”

I haven’t even gotten into the talents yet, either. Not every character is good at every skill; you need the right talent, and which talent characters get can…can…

…Oh, who am I kidding? I mean, yes, I love this game. Hell, it’s the fourth time I’ve bought this game, and only the first time it hasn’t been the PSX version, but we all know that’s not the real reason I haven’t written an article lately.

Yup, it’s the Xormians again. Now excuse me. I have to go save the planet!

Artificial Girl 3 Is Almost Feminist. For a Porn Game.

February 1, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Artificial Girl 3 (Jinko Shojo 3) is the latest in the flagship series made by Illusion Software. Yes, this is the same company that made RapeLay (no, that’s not a typo and no, I’m not going to explain it), and several other games that are, well, we’ll say problematic. I also can’t speak for the other games in the series, because I haven’t played them. Artificial Girl 3, however, is amazingly feminist given the genre and the premise.

Before I continue, though, I think it’s important to understand my position. This is still a porn game. The purpose is still to create simulacrums of females in order to get your rocks off. Still, we can’t compare it to non-porn games, because it is a porn game. It benefits no one to compare it to something else, just like we shouldn’t compare an RTS to an FPS. If you’re expecting me to say the game is anything other than porn, you’ll be disappointed.

You start by designing your dream woman, and by “dream” I mean “graphical female you want to fuck.” You pick a look and shape, and you can create different clothing that she’ll wear for different situations (three guesses what got my attention), etc. You then can put up to five women in the little world, which consists of a few houses and landscape areas. You also assign up to three personality traits to the women, traits like “hungry” which up how often they need to eat, “Lewd” which makes them more amicable to sex and get turned on by different things than non-lewd women get turned on by, “Nocturnal” which changes up when they sleep, and so on.

The graphical interface consists of a little ball in the corner of the screen, one for each female. It changes to one of four colors: Blue for ambivalent, green for friendly, red for love/lust, and yellow for jealousy. It also tells you where in the world area the woman is. Once you put the woman in the world area, she just wanders around and does stuff. Her own stuff, by herself, without any input from you, and often women will have favorite areas. You want to have sex with her? You have to go to her. You have to get her to go from blue to at least green (unless she has the Lewd trait, but there’s more to it than that). But getting her to go to green nets you nothing more than masturbating her, and vanilla, missionary-style sex. How do you get her to green? You spend time with her. You sit down with her and eat dinner when she’s eating dinner. You hug her but don’t try to initiate sex (because she’s only ambivalent, not friendly). You go places with her. You sleep in bed with her. How do you get her to go to red? You do all that, and you consistently rock her fucking world during sex.

The woman’s orgasm, by the way, has nothing to do with the man’s orgasm. There’s also no meter that you can check to see if she’s enjoying herself. The only cues are her facial expression and the noises she’s making. She also won’t orgasm just because your avatar orgasms, and in fact sometimes your avatar’s orgasm makes her annoyed enough that you have to get her all wound up again. Given how much time and effort you have to put into getting her into the red, why bother if she’ll have sex with you anyway?

Because that’s the only way you’ll get her to have sex in certain positions. She’ll only give you a blowjob or ride you cowboy if she initiates. There’s no way for you to initiate and get those positions. Even if you put it on Easy mode and give the women the Lewd trait, you still have to get her into the red before you can get the unlockable sex positions. On top of that, certain things that would get non-lewd women horny won’t work with lewd women, which means you still have to work for it. As an example, getting naked in front of a non-lewed woman raises her horniness (while making her flee the area because you’re naked), but a lewd woman does not care, because nudity isn’t a thing to her.

There’s also a nod to safe sex. Depending on your relationship level and the personality traits involved, the woman may ask you to put on a condom. Yes, you initiate sex, and the woman stops you and tells you to wrap it up. The game does allow you to say no, sometimes, but doing so gives the woman the”‘Hard to Please” personality trait, which makes it nearly impossible to bring her to orgasm. The game actively punishes you by refusing to respect the woman’s request.

So what we’ve got is a Japanese porn game that connects your ability to have sex with a woman to your willingness to spend time with her and pay attention to her needs, allows for the idea of women having their own agency with sex, allows for the idea that women actually enjoy sex, and does not connect the woman’s enjoyment of sex to the man’s enjoyment of sex. And this comes from a culture where even porn showing consensual sex tends to look a little, well, rape-y. Sure, it’s a game where you create women for the sole purpose of fucking, and sure, even the relationship simulation is fairly hollow, but it’s there.

I just found it fascinating, and it makes me wonder what else could be done in the medium. Because a I’d love to see more porn games acknowledging the fact that women not only also like sex, but can decide when, where, and how to have sex without needing men to take care of the details for them.

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