Marscon 2014: When “Without Incident” Isn’t Quite Accurate Enough

Conflict!There’s no way to start this other than to say it outright, so here it goes: I was somewhere between one quarter and one half wrong with my piece “Geeks Acting Entitled, Surprising No One.”

I know, we’re all uncertain how I could be even a little bit wrong, but here we are.

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Marscon 2014: Geeks Acting Entitled, Surprising No One

Big Buck Nerd AlertYou may notice this article is written under the Rev. Nate Turner handle. Very astute, give yourself a cookie. For those who don’t have experience with my handles, Rev. Nate Turner is the pen name I use when the topic is too serious for the Alcoholic Luigi moniker. And, while the conversation about Big Buck Con isn’t exactly capital S serious, it still leaves me having to insult the geek community.

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Marscon 2014 Day 3: The End of the Line

After Party

My Marscon coverage was fueled by drugs, alcohol, and violence upon my body by Alcoholic Luigi.

You can probably guess that I oversleep almost into Sunday afternoon. My head told me that I’d never touch alcohol again. I don’t plan to stick to that. At some point getting breakfast, I come to the depressing realization that the convention is almost over. Why geeks subject themselves to this kind of emotional turmoil year after year is a mystery for the ages.

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Marscon 2014 Day 3: ???

Doctor!Has there ever been a third day of Marscon where I wasn’t desperately fighting everyone for my life? I submit to you that there has not. (And if you want to see how I got here, check out Day 1 and Day 2.)

The wibbly-wobbly naure of the timey-wimey paradox sent versions of me battling against version of Martok, as versions of the Doctor tried to put me back together. This is not as dangerous as you’d think. I am, after all, Mr. Entertainment Ty Cooper. Fighting is what I do.

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Marscon 2014 Day 2: Rock Bottom

Paolo!I woke up on the second day of Marscon (which, as you can imagine, took place immediately following the first day of Marscon) with a slight headache from the alcohol and Luigi raving about a panel featuring the artist guest of honor, Mickie Erickson. I had no idea what would be discussed, but Alcoholic Luigi, who had almost assuredly been drinking already, seemed to think seeing this was a thing I should do. Much as I might wish otherwise, I forced myself to get dressed.

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Marscon 2014 Day 2: Groundhog Day, Only with Less Bill Murray and More Doctor Who

Dr WhoI awoke, after finishing off my first day at Marscon 2014,  in the tender care of one of the three most beautiful women in the world.

The Irish lass tended my body and soul with her bitter, Irish elixir of life, which she’d made out of several of my power-ups. Refreshed, I got to my feet and inspected myself to make sure all my parts were in order. (Hey, you try regenerating, see how worried you become about your bits and pieces.) Thankfully, the regeneration left me in an agreeable state, and the Irish Elixir of Life gave me enough energy to push on. After a quick kiss, I was gone.

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Marscon 2014 Day 1: Year of Luigi

Marscon started out like it does every year for me: I awoke to GeekParty’s Paolo Van Tassel whining about the space-time continuum, and tried to ignore him by snuggling closer to my harem of chubby redheaded fairies. It became clear he wouldn’t stop whining, however, so I got out of bed, donned my tool belt, and promptly went to hide in the bathroom.

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Marscon 2014 Day 1: The Nightmare Begins

GeekParty made me help Alcoholic Luigi cover Marscon this year for some reason.

The first thing he wanted to do was drink. When I kicked him in the balls and told him it was time to work, he grabbed a bottle of prescription pills and locked himself in the bathroom. I decided to do my job and let him worry about his own, and left.

There was a full array of panels, performances and events happening at Marscon, so many I really couldn’t decide where to go. The halls were filled with strange characters from across the multiverse; Klingons, clones of the Doctor over the years, time tossed soldiers from the medieval era and anime characters who forced their way off the screen, all of them vying for attention across a hotel space next to some very confused big game hunters.

Space OddityThe pool area was hosting parties, including the free food of Con Suite. This made the boffing tournament on the lobby of the first tower less intoxicating in its chaos. The dealer’s room was open as well; a small sampling of merchants selling a dizzying array of items to people who, in all likelihood, were primed and ready to spend money on them. As the day wore on, I found myself in the game room, but this year the annual free Magic booster draft would set me back the fifteen dollars I left in the car on the East Coast. Alas.

Somewhere around dusk, I showered in preparation for a night of drinking and partying. After knocking back a shot of cucumber-flavored vodka, I went to a belly dancing seminar, zoned out like a zombie as the depressant effect of forty percent alcohol kicked in, accelerated by my already broken brain. I’m eighty percent sure the belly dancers were creeped out by my dead fish stare and didn’t ask me to dance with them, yet they did ask a man dressed as a Klingon. The image of a Klingon belly dancing with nubile young women will confuse me to my grave.

BELLAH!At some point in my stumblings, I found the Dementia Radio Party Room. Alcoholic Luigi was busy trying to hump J. G. Hertzler’s leg, so I opted to check the other event in the room, DJ Particle’s Mad Music Top 20 Revenge. I’m happy with my choice, since soon after Hertzler got annoyed and smacked Luigi in the head with his disruptor pistol. Someone dragged his unconscious carcass out of the room, and I could finally party without worrying about his bullshit.

What followed was a haze of panhandling for free alcohol, getting carded, and then receiving it. At some point, I was treated to a lecture about the superiority of rum over vodka by way of dehydration. It seemed sound advice. I stopped myself after four and a half drinks and then I tried to sleep, only to spend the rest of the night listening to Luigi screaming about Xormians.

Marscon 2014: In Memory of Dov Magy

Dov MagyAlcoholic Luigi is a character, and I’m dropping the performance for just a moment to speak on something more serious. I had a friend named Dov Magy. The use of the past tense is indeed to indicate that he has passed away, and that made this Marscon difficult. For many years, Dov ran the karaoke room, a room that I’ve loved since the first day I stepped into Marscon’s hallowed halls.

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Marscon 2014: Martial Arts and Crafts

Poor PaoloDid you know that professional wrestling, while staged, actually really freakin’ hurts? It’s true! They’re called bumps, and the next time you want to write off professional wrestling as fake, I suggest you learn to take them.

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