Retrovolve Takes a Look at Freedom Planet

fp_topGeekParty’s own Louis Garcia already took a look at Freedom Planet, a Sega-inspired indie platformer, but our friends over at Retrovolve just discovered this gem and wanted to share their take as well.

Freedom Planet isn’t just a retro-styled game like Super Meat Boy or Hotline Miami. It’s something I’d describe as “full retro.” It doesn’t wear a vintage gaming costume but instead opts for the full monty, tightroping that fine line between merely ripping off classic franchises and ripping them off with style.

Comparisons to Sonic The Hedgehog and Gunstar Heroes aside, Freedom Planet has gorgeous graphics and animation with innovative level design, huge challenging bosses, and some pumping tunes for a true sensory feast.

Go check out Retrovolve’s review and gameplay footage to get a better idea of what Freedom Planet has to offer.

Internet Arcade Review: Bio-Attack

Bio-Attack Logo

Every week, GeekParty’s editor asks Julian Watkins to review a few retro titles from the Internet Arcade. But instead of cooperating, Julian makes things up. We don’t even know if he’s playing these games.

Deep within the bowels of Frederick “Rick” Moranis, Bio-Attack takes us on a journey to fight his inoperable colon cancer and rid him of this awful, deadly malady. In fact, rumor has it that Mr. Moranis had cancer inserted into his body to get into character for this role. Though, there ended up being no actual mention of his involvement in this game upon release.

Mr. Moranis filed a lawsuit against Taito, Bio-Attack’s developer, after the game became internationally successful. The company used his likeness but refused compensation. He was denied  13% of the game’s net profit, a deal he had struck with Taito after it had become clear just how successful this game would become. Taito only agreed because they were sure they had a real dud on their hands and just wanted to get the damn thing out so they could be done with it.

Bio-Attack 1

Little did they know that Mr. Moranis, a then unknown choreographer, would skyrocket to fame. His career would go on to span 20+ years, garnering him 3 Oscars and a cavalcade of accolades from the Hollywood elite.

In fact, rumor has it that Mr. Moranis even tried to option off the rights to make a Bio-Attack movie, but these efforts would prove unsuccessful in light of the bad blood that would forever remain between Mr. Moranis and Taito. When the dust had settled, Moranis was the victim of several costly lawsuits, and he was passed over for the role of John McClane in the original Die Hard movie. The role would eventually land in Bruce Willis’s hands, only receive direct-to-video release dooming all hopes of kickstarting a lucrative film franchise.

Mr. Moranis would later succumb to his battle with colon cancer. It was impossible to remove an inoperable cancer from his body, unlike inBio-Attack, where you can simply blast the cancer cells with your tiny doctor ship.

He is survived by his two sons Armando and Riviera Moranis.

Whatever Happened to Final Fantasy IX?

Final Fantasy IX - Black Mage

With the ever-impressive Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn hitting the market over the summer, I’m left to ask important questions. Questions of deep thought and heavy weight, the sort that hang in the mind of all JRPG fans everywhere. The one, single question that’s been burning in our minds for years upon years at this point. Whatever happened to Final Fantasy IX​?

[Read more…]

Internet Arcade Review: Crush Roller

Crush Roller

There was a time in this country when you could leave your doors unlocked without fear of intruders or marauders. A time when a woman could walk safely and comfortably alone at night without fear of attack or harassment. A time when babies could openly, nay brazenly, enjoy candy in public under no supervision without fear of theft or mugging. A time when the rule of law was respected and revered, even heralded. Authority meant something and was more than just a target of resentment and suspicion, criticism and ridicule.

And then Crush Roller was released in 1981 and all of that came to a grinding halt.

Crush Roller rocked the very foundation of this country and called into question what it meant to be an American. Crush Roller re-wrote the book of love and changed the title to “Pooning.” Crush Roller burned the Bible and spread the ashes on the cold granite floor of the Vatican. Crush Roller was all like “sup?”

Crush Roller was, and is to this day, a frequently over-looked if not completely forgotten maze-puzzler that deserves to be played by women and men alike.

Crush Roller is me, and I am Crush Roller.

[Comic] How to Videogames : Nostalgia is Money

I know what you’re doing, Nintendo and Sony. And I won’t fall for it.

Seriously, though, I want to own these so badly. I should probably buy a second PS4…

How to Videogames: Nostalgia is Money #comics #howtovideogames #ps4 #retro #3ds

A photo posted by Josh Engen (@joshuaengen) on

Pokémon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire Can’t Hide the Original’s Issues

Pokémon X and Y were incredibly enjoyable titles that the franchise desperately needed. The combination of a new world, new Pokémon, new cities, and a strange desire to customize clothing all helped to create an experience that was difficult to put down. Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire, however, doesn’t elicit the same feelings.

Yes, it’s nice to see the continued trend of older versions being re-released on new hardware with modern features, but there’s a problem with Ruby and Sapphire: they just weren’t good games to begin with.

“Boredom” and “sadness” are the words that I would probably use to describe the opening moments of the game. Heart Gold and Soul Silver were a joy to revisit due nostalgic memories, but Ruby and Sapphire may have been better left forgotten. Plus, man, just look at the original style of our hero:

Pokemon Omega Ruby Alpha Sapphire Can't Hide The Original's Issues

Image Source: ModDB

And look at our hero now:

pokehairThat hair looked so much better in 2D. Vomitrocious.

The slow start further proves how badly the franchise needed to be updated for modern times. While I still enjoy Heart Gold and Soul Silver, they drag on and on during the opening scenes. The same is true with Alpha Omega and Ruby Sapphire, despite the fact that the game does its best to speed things up early. It’s like when person puts on cologne instead of actually taking a shower. You get a mish-mash of body odor and cologne combining to make a stench that’s still foul despite the fact that you can’t quite walk away from it.

Not that I think Pokémon smells like body order. It’s one of my favorite franchises, but Alpha Ruby and Omega Sapphire haven’t done enough to remove their third-generation stench.

Internet Arcade Review: Gridlee

GridleeGridlee is… I don’t know what the fuck Gridlee is.

The good news is that only one cabinet is known to exist, and it belongs to some hippy named Dale Luck. Why is that good news? Because this game is a piece of shit, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would have created it.

[Read more…]

The Trash Bin: Predator: Concrete Jungle Tries Too Hard, Reminds Me Why I Hate Video Games


Hello and welcome to “The Trash Bin,” a spiraling morass of shame and degradation where we review old video games because our depraved plumber friends badger us into doing it. I’m your host, the man who will one day slice off Alcoholic Luigi’s head and remove the skull as a trophy.

Today we’re reviewing Predator: Concrete Jungle, a stealth/3-d brawler that’s based on the Predator franchise. And yes, I’ll admit, I dig Predator. The original was a classic, Predator 2 wasn’t half the turkey the reviewers say it was, and the Dark Horse comics are a wonder. So, here’s my chance to “be” a Yautja. Unfortunately, like my chance to be a killer mummy, this experience ended up falling flat.

The game started with three tutorials, but I was only able to complete two. The combat tutorial asked me to shoot some green markers but they didn’t exist. So, either I needed to try harder or the programmers weren’t exactly good at their jobs. This was a recurring theme during my time with Predator: Concrete Jungle; I couldn’t tell if the frustration was with my inability to play video games or the programmers’ inability to write code.

Perhaps, it’s a mix of both.


Finally, I threw caution to the wind and started the story mode. It opened up in the middle of a 1930s riot. All hell was breaking loose and my avatar was out for blood. This really got me in the Predator spirit, but the controls were so awkward that I couldn’t even begin to savor the Predator experience. Oh I wanted to; hunting the city’s most dangerous mobsters for trophies is the kind of thing that gets your blood pumping and all but demands an epic soundtrack. But damn it all, either I suck at video games or somebody, somewhere really sucked at their job. Still, this was the easiest of easy missions, so I accomplished it, albeit by the skin of my teeth.

Then I was treated to some decent cinematics that further the Yautja’s story. It turns out that he was led to the rather beautiful situation: the Predator stalking an cyberpunk war zone and taking on the human monsters that run the place. I’m quite literally creaming my jeans at the prospect of Predator being combined with cyberpunk, so I’m eager to go. But then I realized that I still suck at video games. I continued to have no idea what to do while fighting with controls to the point of aggravation. Finally, I give up the ghost.

Graphics: Not bad for its generation, but  3-d third person games either confuse me or twist my stomach in knots.

Sound: There’s a fitting soundtrack and the voices are on par for the Predator series is, but the sound effects get repetitive after a while.

Controls: This game drove me up the wall no matter how much I tried to enjoy it. And that’s more or less because I just couldn’t handle the controls.

Overall Assessment: A noble but overly ambitious attempt to create a Predator storyline, but it was destroyed by aggravating controls, my own ineptitude, and no small amount of hubris. Alas.

Note to Fox Interactive: I will redo this review and be far more generous if you send me three leggy redheads, a Chinese acrobat, and a goat on my birthday.

Internet Arcade Review: Bagman


Bagman is a game that was released in 1982 by Valadon Automation. It was received with lukewarm reviews…

Okay, cut the shit, Valadon… I see what’s going on here. I tried to be a bigger man and ignore the elephant in the room. I planned on remaining non-partisan and giving you a straight up review — history be damned. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. But you’ve crossed the line.

[Read more…]

Internet Arcade Review: Blueprint

Blue Print 1Are you tired of a monster-like creature chasing after your girlfriend while occasionally knocking over killer venus flytraps? Are you tired of dodging random monsters that crawl out of a portal linking this world to hell? Why not break into people’s homes and rummage through their shit? You could assemble whatever you find into a weapon to kill the monster!

Seriously, why not? Because if you play Blueprint, you can. That appears to be the storyline of this  1982 adventure from Zilec Electronics/Jaleco/and also apparently Bally Midway.

“That’s ridiculous,” you say. Well shut the hell up! Are you calling me a liar?

Blue Print 2I spent my entire childhood locked in a closet, surviving solely on the termites that had infested the walls. I obtained water when people flushed the leaky second-floor toilet. And let me tell you, in a household modeled sternly on the motto “yellow, let it mellow,” those flushes didn’t come very often.

So, I don’t appreciated it when you use the word “ridiculous” to describe Blueprint‘s plot.

Sorry. I lost my temper there. Now where was I?

Oh right, Blueprint. This game is fun, in a” not-a-complete-piece-of-shit way. Enjoy it, or don’t. Just don’t doubt the veracity of its storyline.