Don’t Be Jealous of China Just Because They Get Call of Duty for Free

By now you’ve undoubtedly heard that an exclusive version of America’s precious Call of Duty franchise is on its way to the Land of the Red Dragon. (Or wait, isn’t Wales the Land of the Red Dragon? Shut up, I’m trying to talk about China here.) And if you’re an unwavering CoD superfan, you’re probably feeling a bit of jealousy, especially if the PC is your system of choice. However, you need to understand one thing, and it’s probably something that your parents have been telling you for a very long time: you’re a presumptuous little shithead who doesn’t understand how easy your life actually is.

See, the reason that CoD: Online is such a big deal for Chinese gamers is because consoles are practically nonexistent in China. The government actually banned the sale of consoles in June of 2000. So, while you’ve been mainlining Call of Duty for over a decade, those poor Chinese players have been forced to resort to the black market if they want to pick up a copy for their illegal Xbox.

Panda - National Treasure

The funny part is that even though consoles themselves have been banned, reportedly because parents complained about the games ruining their children’s minds, arcades and LAN Centers are not even slightly illegal. So avid players end up spending a good deal of time in public, which mostly means that they can’t masturbate between rounds like American gamers.

But the fact that gamers already have to pay an hourly rate in order to play their favorite games means that Activision needed to develop an alternate pricing scheme to make their product affordable. So, like most of their good ideas, they simply stole it from Valve.

The microtransaction system that Valve has been using for Counter-Strike Online has been popular enough to muster an upcoming sequel. So, it’s probably good enough for Activision to “borrow.” We don’t actually know many of the game’s details, but it sounds like players will be able to customize their appearance and weaponry by purchasing the tiny upgrades.

Call of Duty - Ghost

Also, if you’re still feeling some jealousy, just remember that CoD: Online is based on the Modern Warfare franchise, and the last time I checked, we already have access to that series.

Of course, the real irony in all of this is that every Xbox 360, PS3, or Wii was manufactured in China and then promptly hustled across the border before any slave shop employee might inadvertently enjoy it.

So, the next time you feel like complaining about China’s exclusive, you should take a minute to thank your dad for impregnating your mom in the land of free consoles and early releases.

  • farsendor

    being jealous of cod is like being jealous of madden

    • dakan45

      too bad that you moronic haters do not reallzie that this is the most sucessfull franchise in the histroy of gaming, so any arguments towards being jealous or not are invlalid, it is the best franchise, therefore you are jelous that yours isnt and continue bashing it.

      • Mowcno444

        Call of Duty is a successfull franchise, that does not mean that the games are actually good anymore. The regular annual release with the same expected features in every game means that a large amount of people are getting tired of this stale formula. Call of Duty is still growing as a franchise but within a few years its going to decline quickly unless they make some big changes.

      • candymanisking

        LOLOL whos jealous ??? of what the same game over and over ?? lol and not the best franchise in games … i dont even have to look it up to tell ya pokemon proly outsold every game known to man

  • justin

    Very funny article and a good one at that. You my good sir are the true gamer and probably eat little shits reading this for breakfast!

  • Colin

    First of all, your website layout is shit. Why have white font on white comment boxes? You can’t read.

    Second of all, sure, consoles are banned in China, but as you said in your article, PCs aren’t. And Call of Duty has been on the PC forever. The Steam service has been available in China since forever and sell every copy of CoD. So, nothing has held them back from purchasing it.

    On top of that, EA has two free-to-play versions of Battlefield. Why couldn’t Activision have one free-to-play CoD?

    The only reason I want this game is becuase the CoD4 map shipment will be on it. And the multiplayer seems to be based off of MW2. So, Akimbo 1887s and Thumper would be pretty OP.

    • Eric Halliday

      If you are seeing white font on white comment boxes, you may want to reconsider what you’re calling shit, sir. You may just have a racist computer.

  • Joshua

    I’m not for sure who would be jealous of China over anything, least of all because they get to play a video game.

  • Eric Halliday

    These are some of the silliest comments I’ve ever seen. Please keep this going.