As I perused Facebook the other day, I saw that GeekParty’s beloved Josh Wirtanen was asking if anyone wanted to play Lord of the Rings Online with him while he power-leveled to 75. I thought that this was something I could do. After all, hadn’t I just written an article about how we should give MMOs more of a chance? So I said sure, I’d do it. My brain tried to warn me, reminding me that I hated MMOs. I told my brain to fuck off and go play with a bottle of rum.
What ensued is a 20-step process that brought me near the brink of madness. Let me illustrate that process for you.
Step 1: Start the download, and then watch porn for the next three hours while it downloaded. Spend another hour as it installed…
Step 2: Realize there’s not enough room on the drive. My windows partition is painfully small, and already had Star Trek Online and Diablo 2 on it. Okay, delete Diablo 2 (but leave the save files), delete any random files I can find, try again. Still not enough room.
Step 3: Scream at the computer and drink more rum. I had a feeling this bottle of rum was going to be my good and dear friend by the end of this.
Step 4: Switch over to my Linux partition. I run Linux Mint for most of my every day computer needs, because it’s virus free and does most of what I need it to do. Check the WINE site, see that LotRO works fine with WINE.
Step 5: Download LotRO again. Spend another three hours watching porn before it’s done. Open install file with WINE. Try to play. Nothing.
Step 6: Drink more rum.
Step 7: Look up why it’s not working. Realize that Turbine doesn’t work with Linux, try to find PyLOTRO so I can run the game. Discover the link on the LotRO forum no longer works. Drink more rum, before searching Google and finding another site with the program. Install program. Discover that download I have of LotRO isn’t the one that works with PyLOTRO.
Step 8: Drink more rum and scream obscenities at the computer while waiting three hours to download correct version.
Step 9: Install and try running again. Read dialogue box telling me Direct3D isn’t working because of lack of DirectX 9.0c file. Use Winetricks to see if I have DirectX 9.0 installed. See that I do. Proceed to install all packages that have the words Direct, X, or 9.0 in the title while checking version of WINE. See that I’m still on WINE 1.2 and they’ve released WINE 1.5. Attempt to get-apt.
Step 10: Get told wine1.5 is not able to be found. Attempt to compile from source. Spend an hour fucking fuck fuck fuck, drink more rum, decide to say fuck it, get-apt install the most recent version I can, 1.3.
Step 11: finish installing all DirectX 9.0 type things. Try to run LotRO, get told I don’t have DirectX 9.0c. Drink more rum while muttering about useless game companies who can’t devote one guy to giving Linux install tips.
Step 12: Attempt to compile DirectX 9.0 from source. Turn it into a drinking game. Code, compile, drink. Code, compile, drink. Spend several hours doing this, utterly fail to do anything but get drunker.
Step 13: Attempt to install game with a wrench. Get stopped by son.
Step 14: Break down into sobs, demanding to know why major development studios refuse to acknowledge that a portion of their fanbase uses Linux. They’re programming geeks, aren’t they?! Surely they must know something about Linux installation!
Step 15: Realize I don’t even care about playing the damn game, but I refuse to let it win. Switch back to Windows, delete another flurry of random programs and files.
Step 16: Download the game again, spend the three hours drinking rum and sharpening an axe while glaring at the computer threateningly.
Step 17: Manage full installation, but fail to have enough room for updates. Find an old priest and a young priest, kill them with axe to appease the old Gods. Run disc compression on entire partition, pass out.
Step 18: Wake up with world spinning, see that disc compression gave me an additional 5.5 gigs. Install game while eating bacon sandwich.
Step 19: Finally start playing game, get really excited by how beautifully they designed Middle Earth and how fantastically they kept the gameplay in line with the source material. Get even more excited over all the different outfits with which I can play pretty princess dress-me-up. Think that all this may have been worth it after all.
Step 20: Play until level 12, get insanely bored with all the fetch quests and killing the exact same enemies over and over. Get confused by how the hell you can either equip your pretty princess dress and your armor at the same time. Throw computer out the window, then proceed to teabag my copies of Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion while laughing maniacally.