To the general public, E3 is the videogame event everyone wishes they could go to but no one’s actually allowed to get into. All the public ever gets to see is the game trailers, big reveals, and gaming news that comes out of the event. To members of the press, though (such as your illustrious friends at GeekParty), there’s a whole seedy underbelly of E3 that we get to explore; E3 is a haven of booth babes, free alcohol, and swag. Yeah, we get tons of free stuff for going to this thing. I took home no less than five free T-shirts this year alone.
Sony, though, was playing hard-to-get with their swag this year. One item in particular struck my fancy: a LittleBigPlanet Sackboy doll. That thing was awesome. But rather than give one to every journalist that decided to meander on over to the Sony booth, they actually made us work for it. In order to get one of these painfully cute little toys, we had to take part in a session of LittleBigPlanet Karting against five other journalists and take first place. Sounds easy enough, right?
Well, it wasn’t.
Determined to leave Los Angeles with my very own Sackboy doll, I ended up spending about half of my final day at E3 with LittleBigPlanet Karting.
Now, the thing about Kart racers is that, fundamentally, they’re never actually fair. I mean, you manage to stay in first place for three laps by being the most skillful little bastard in the race, only to be knocked off course at the last second by some jackass who’s been hoarding missiles the entire time. Needless to say, my experience was one of frustration and heartache.
Toward the end of the day, though (there was about 45 minutes left of E3 by this point), I got lucky. You see, my opponents included one older woman who was trying to win a Sackboy for her son (I’m pretty sure she snuck into the event) and four booth babes who must’ve been on break or something.
Now, I might actually feel bad about what I did here had there not been a Sackboy doll on the line. I mean, we all know that moms are stereotypically bad at videogames, right? And you know who’s even more stereotypically bad at videogames than moms? If you guessed booth babes, you’ve earned yourself a nerdy gold star.
So I put the proverbial pedal to the undeniably cute metal and showed these ladies how to play LittleBigPlanet Karting. After three laps of complete ass-holiness, I found myself in possession of a cute and cuddly new friend. Seriously, this guy is adorable!
Now this is the part of the story where I’d like to pretend I went home having learned some valuable life lesson. But I didn’t. All I really managed to prove was that when it comes to winning swag, I am completely immune to both sympathy (the poor mom who just wanted a toy for her son) and hotness (the four super hot booth babes who also left empty-handed). And, to be fair, I already knew this about myself.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I may be a dick, but I got a free Sackboy doll and you didn’t. Life’s not fair, you whiny little baby.