Internet Arcade Review: Bagman

Bagman

Bagman is a game that was released in 1982 by Valadon Automation. It was received with lukewarm reviews…

Okay, cut the shit, Valadon… I see what’s going on here. I tried to be a bigger man and ignore the elephant in the room. I planned on remaining non-partisan and giving you a straight up review — history be damned. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. But you’ve crossed the line.

What is this shit, huh? Some sort of a veiled threat? You think you know me? You think you got some dirt on me? Well, guess again, buddy boy. I’m wise to your B.S. I know what you’re trying to pull, and I’ll be damned if I’m just going to lie down and take it.

Did I used to be a male prostitute? Yeah, big whoop. I’ve already fully disclosed that sordid portion of my past. Am I proud of it? Yeah, kinda. Does that excuse my actions? Of course it does, but so what?

Bagman 2

Look, if you want to sling your mud and try to bring me down a peg, it will take more than some lousy game that gingerly hints at the ghastly skeletons what lie in my closet. I may walk away with only my name, but it’s my name, goddamn it! And it will be a cold day in hell before this mediocre, maze-platformer comes between me and my dream of becoming the Mayor of this sleepy little hamlet.

Nice try, Valadon, but you’ll have to get up pretty early in the gosh-darn morning to pull the wool over these steely blue eyes.

Bagman gets a 3… out of 5.