Internet Arcade Review: Bio-Attack

Bio-Attack Logo

Every week, GeekParty’s editor asks Julian Watkins to review a few retro titles from the Internet Arcade. But instead of cooperating, Julian makes things up. We don’t even know if he’s playing these games.

Deep within the bowels of Frederick “Rick” Moranis, Bio-Attack takes us on a journey to fight his inoperable colon cancer and rid him of this awful, deadly malady. In fact, rumor has it that Mr. Moranis had cancer inserted into his body to get into character for this role. Though, there ended up being no actual mention of his involvement in this game upon release.

Mr. Moranis filed a lawsuit against Taito, Bio-Attack’s developer, after the game became internationally successful. The company used his likeness but refused compensation. He was denied  13% of the game’s net profit, a deal he had struck with Taito after it had become clear just how successful this game would become. Taito only agreed because they were sure they had a real dud on their hands and just wanted to get the damn thing out so they could be done with it.

Bio-Attack 1

Little did they know that Mr. Moranis, a then unknown choreographer, would skyrocket to fame. His career would go on to span 20+ years, garnering him 3 Oscars and a cavalcade of accolades from the Hollywood elite.

In fact, rumor has it that Mr. Moranis even tried to option off the rights to make a Bio-Attack movie, but these efforts would prove unsuccessful in light of the bad blood that would forever remain between Mr. Moranis and Taito. When the dust had settled, Moranis was the victim of several costly lawsuits, and he was passed over for the role of John McClane in the original Die Hard movie. The role would eventually land in Bruce Willis’s hands, only receive direct-to-video release dooming all hopes of kickstarting a lucrative film franchise.

Mr. Moranis would later succumb to his battle with colon cancer. It was impossible to remove an inoperable cancer from his body, unlike inBio-Attack, where you can simply blast the cancer cells with your tiny doctor ship.

He is survived by his two sons Armando and Riviera Moranis.