I awoke the next morning with a jackhammer inside my brain, a nearly empty bottle of rum in my hand, and a dead raccoon attached by the mouth to the crotch of my pants. I’d have questioned these circumstances, but I had the good sense to wake up in the main stage area, where the Buffy Q&A would be happening. I had it on good authority that Nicholas Brendon had headbutted a car to death the night prior and thus had a concussion, so I was interested to see how he’d pull it off.
The answer was “predictably.” He was subdued, and not at his best. Still, where many lesser men would have called off completely, Brendon reached deep down into his pants, found his massive manhood, and soldiered on for the fans. The display of epic manliness was impressive enough to keep me interested for about twenty minutes. To alleviate the rest of the time, I took the bag of pills I’d gotten the previous day, and chased it with the last bit of rum.
The next thing I knew, I was playing an ocarina concert for dozens of geeky fans. They were clapping and cheering, so I had to presume I’d done well. I couldn’t enjoy my moment of awesome, sadly, because GeekParty’s Josh Wirtanen wanted me to do his job and interview Jason Faust. I didn’t see Jason Faust, but I did see Leon S. Kennedy of Resident Evil fame, so I interviewed him instead.
Just as I finished, a wild Linkara appeared! I had missed my chance last time I’d seen one, so this time I was determined to catch it. I grabbed a Poké Ball and threw it for all I was worth, but the wild Linkara once again pretended to be caught. It tried to run, but I was cleverer than it. I lured it back with a twenty dollar bill (Internet reviewers’ favorite treat!), and then captured it inside the pages of One More Day trade paperback, which I thought was especially fittingly horrid. That’s what it gets for trying to evade capture!
Tired and worn from my epic battle, I went to get dinner. I traversed long, epic hallways before arriving at what I thought would be a restaurant. Instead, it was a giant cave. It was well lit, though how I have yet to fathom. I thought to turn, to flee this evil place, when the loud hiss of demon snakes reached my ears. I turned to Josh W, asking him if he heard that. He claimed I was on drugs, and he was going to eat. Foolishly, he moved into the cave and sat down right in front of the multi-headed snake demon! It was a long bodied creature, its heads a yellowish-tan color. Even though Josh’s own foolishness put him in danger, I refused to let him die. I grabbed a fire-flower from my belt, and spat. The flame burnt the demon snake to a crisp, and I watched flakes of ash and char splash across Josh. He gave me an angry look, but in my defense, I had just saved his life.
Afterwards, we headed back to the dealer’s room. The good folks at Level Up Games saw that I was tired and worn from my epic battle, and offered me a power-up. As I’m not inclined to turn down a free power-up, I accepted. It truly did energize me, and I didn’t even have to hit any bricks to get it. Their power-up gave me the strength to go on.
And on I went, playing Settlers of Catan in the gaming room. It was a fun enough game, though I grew kitty-ears at some point. That was a touch strange. Thankfully, the kitty ears went away before my interview with Possible Oscar. Not that it helped much, because I’m fairly sure Jarod Ringold became a three-headed monster, and John Mapes grew a wooden nose. Otherwise, the interview went great. It was about this time, however, that I began to suspect that the pills and alcohol I’d taken earlier in the day were beginning to affect me.
This was a problem. This was a problem because my princess and I had a duet to sing in the karaoke room. It was also a problem because my princess did not have a crown. Thankfully, on our way to karaoke, I happened upon a wandering fairy king. After a quick negotiation and the exchange of several coins, I procured the crown, and my princess and I made it to the room. Unfortunately, I was even more out of it than before. Everything wobbled, the room spun, and I prayed to the great mushroom spirits for just one good singer.
I needed to cast a de-buff spell, and I needed to quickly. I could use song as a component, but I’d need help. As “Halleljuah” by Wainwright came up, I jumped to the stage and grabbed a microphone. I gave it all I could, but I was running on fumes. I didn’t have enough mana to cast the spell. In the audience, however, was someone who did. I called him up, and with his help we not only cast the de-buff cleanser, but cast a Boost Charisma spell, too. The room exploded in applause, women swooned over us, and my princess began to brag as she claimed me as hers.
The night went on for a few hours, as I continued to enjoy the warm afterglow of such a powerful spell. More songs, more time within the arms of my princess, and then it was a visit to Sub-Con. What would the last day of MetaCon bring? I didn’t know, but I knew I would be ready.