Playing Halo Will Make You a Psychopath

Kids shouldn’t play violent video games.

I have a bit of a problem here at my house. See, I should have listened when my son’s psychiatrist told me that violent videogames were bad for him.

I didn’t though, and so two weeks ago, after much begging, I bought the kid a copy of Halo 3. I figured I’d start him with something toned-down that I knew he could handle. I’d played Halo before, after all. I didn’t see anything in it that could particularly harm his tender young mind. Sure, there’s a bit of blood and guts involved, but nothing capable of brainwashing an impressionable 8-year-old.

The first couple nights were fine. In fact, my son’s usual outbursts remained mostly in check. There was no throwing the cat, tripping his brother down the stairs, or trying to go after the dog with steak knives (all of which are things that have happened in my household before). He didn’t complain once about dinner or whine that we’d poisoned his food.

See, we’re not bad parents. Our child is just super creative and unique, and unfortunately no one understands that. They all blame it on his diet or tell us that he needs “special pills” to be better. Screw them! It’s not our fault that our child is unique. All the same, having such a special child can be difficult, and so for the moment, we were happy to have found something to take his busy mind off other things — things that aren’t the dog, or steak knives.

That all changed Saturday night after his first time playing Halo 3‘s team deathmatch. His demeanor completely changed, and in a second my baby boy went from nearly catatonic to completely wild. He threw his brother down the stairs, all the while screaming “MELEE, MELEE!” Not long after that, he locked himself in his room screaming something about team kills.

And this is why children should not be allowed to play videogames. Obviously, this violent sport has turned my beautiful, smart, completely normal baby boy into a monster. If I had only listened, he wouldn’t be up on the roof right now, screaming ‘SNIPER!’ and firing his paintball gun at random passers-by. We tried calling the fire department, but they weren’t of any help. Apparently our child’s disciplinary issues are “our own responsibility.” Go figure.

I don’t understand why this garbage is allowed on the market. Clearly the violent, corrupt nature of the characters in this game have done something to my son’s wiring. And if it can happen to my child, it can happen to yours. It can happen to sweet little Suzie down the street who you’d never think would hurt a fly. It could happen to your cousin, your nephew, your niece, your brother, or your sister.

For that reason, I implore you: don’t buy violent videogames. Everyone knows they’re bad for your children, and from now on, we raise my family on wholesome family values in my house. Nothing but news and the Bible for these kids. God knows they wouldn’t fill those things with violence.

  • IceReaper898

    Sarcastic article….AWAYYYYYY!!!

    • Incredinic

      This WAS sarcastic right?

  • Rational Human

    These games are not intended for eight year olds – especially not impressionable ones like your son. It’s not the videogame that is the problem; it’s your son not being able to separate fiction from reality. In your denial of this you have projected blame onto the game, not where it truly lies.

    • Guy

      The joke
      Your head

      • Guy

        Actually, ignore that, I just saw your second comment.

  • Rational Human

    Although this is probably not entirely true, considering the nature of the post and the blog.

    • Jake Valentine

      We’re serious on occasion.
      This is not one of those occasions.

      You’re right with your original statement: those who are unable to seperate fiction from reality at a young age causes most parents to point the blame at games, TV, music, etc.

      Having worked at a GameStop for many years, too often I ran across disinterested parents who bought games to shut their kids up and then would complain to us when they broke a lamp or shot their eye out.

      This could open up a whole can of worms on how this generation’s parents are afraid of their kids playing flashlight tag but aren’t afraid of having them play Grand Theft Auto, but it’s not the time nor the place 😉

      But yes. This article is satire. Violet’s really good at making her satire seem serious.

  • http://areyouseriuos.jpg doesn’t matter

    Do you know how the ESRB works??? M = Mature = 18+ = not for fucking kids. Your half the reason I stopped playing this game. Every single time i get on its little fucking kids who haven’t even gone through puberty screaming bloody murder and ruining my experience. eight? fucking EIGHT? jesus christ im out of here.

    • Guy

      The joke
      Your head

  • Bravo One Delta

    Don’t go blaming your bad ass kids’ behavior on some video game. Punish your child for being a little dickhead to his brother. Punish him for acting like a little domestic terrorist and I guarantee you that these problems wont happen again. Take some responsibility for the up bringing of your devil spawn heathen of a child.

  • Marcus Lehane

    I feel like there is more to the issue than video games. It seems like your child has behavioral issues that you haven’t been addressing appropriately and you now have something to blame. Your using Halo as an excuse for your child’s behavior that was obviously an issue before. He chased your dog with steak knives for Christ sake. Your denying the true issue, your child’s abusive nature. My friends and I have been playing games since we were 8, hell Halo one was one of the first games I got, and we aren’t throwing cats and shooting random people with paintball guns. If you don’t want him shooting the neighbors don’t buy him a paintball gun. If he begs tell him he’ll be grounded for not listening to you when you said no. Its the parents disciplinary action that shapes a child. I knew if i shot the neighbors with my pinball gun I’d face getting shot with my fathers. My parents went with a Hammurabi’s code type of deal and hell it worked. Its too late now for your child though, hes used to your passive demeanor and if you suddenly start cracking down on him hes probably going to end up hating you. It all goes back to the psychological aspects of ethology. Its now imprinted in his mind that he can get away with this behavior and now he will keep going until the world burns around him. and you may think that 8 is still young, but its not. this type of imprinting starts from day one. Don’t blame Bungie for your child’s behavior, blame your parenting tactics. Your parental tactics and you should feel bad as Dr. Zoidberg would say. The game is meant to tell a story that your child can live, not cause him to go Rambo on a dog. Address the real issue, and stop making excuses.

  • MenWhoPunch

    I pooped and it smells quite bad.

  • Jace

    Really? REALLY?! Maybe if you would have gotten him a less violent game (Something along the lines of Super Mario Bros.) he wouldn’t be acting that way. If you have an impressionable 8 year old son, buying him a copy of Halo 3 is just bad parenting.

  • Anonymous

    “Obviously, this violent sport has turned my beautiful, smart, completely normal baby boy into a monster.”
    Wow, really? What is that that you said about him throwing the cat about and chasing the dog around with steak knives? You said all of those things had HAPPENED BEFORE.
    You are blaming video games for your bad parenting skills.

  • Devin

    thats why the games are RATED

  • SamuelH73

    I find it vastly amusing that quite a few posters replied to the article and did not bother to read it all the way through. Just like Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds” broadcast, people start losing their cool too early and fail to hear the disclaimer at the end. A fantastic article and a throughly delightful riposte to the silly “video games beget mindless violence” mindset.

    • Guy

      CURSE YOU! I was about to post that. Although you worded it much better than I could have.

    • Jake Valentine

      I love you.

      That is all.

  • Nick T

    I love it how many people here do not get the fact that this is “SATIRE”.

  • LaughAtYou

    This is why we need a stronger grip on our game controllers, so they don’t get out of hand.

  • BadParentsAreBad

    Look at the rating on this game. M, meaning Mature, as in for ages 17+, NOT 8 YEAR OLDS. If your child is already trying to kill is brother and his dog, he shouldn’t play a game where he kills other people and aliens. He’s not “special”, he’s sociopathic. Get over it. Don’t blame the industry that warns you not to get this game for kids (via the rating), blame your idiotic choice of getting your sociopath son a game about killing and letting him play it online.

  • Will

    It is really sad to see you copy a similar piece of satire, change the setting slightly and post this as original work…

    • Josh Wirtanen

      Do you have a link to the allegedly plagiarized article?