Ramesses II Is a Real Jerk!

I was playing Civilization V the other day, just sitting around the continent, building up my civilization. I wasn’t even focusing on war or anything. I was playing as a very peaceful Ghandi; I was above that kind of playground shit. And I thought maybe, just maybe, Ramesses II was as well. After all, his dialogue box said “Friendly.”

It was a lie. It was all a lie!

I entered into a research project agreement with him. We had an open borders agreement. Things were good.

Then one day, out of nowhere, he comes right up and basically says, “Sorry Ghandi, but you’re pathetic. Since we have an open borders agreement, sit back and relax while I destroy your empire from the inside!

That’s when I met Alexander. Alexander seemed like a much better guy. He had the whole “Friendly” thing going for him as well, but I felt like I could trust him. For one thing, he was a hell of a lot better looking than Napoleon. Besides, he was Greek! I dated a Greek dude back in high school and he was awesome.

And things were awesome with Alexander too, for at least 50 turns. We had research agreements. Borders were open. We exchanged luxury resources. We even both pledged to protect Venice.

That’s when it happened. I was sitting around, expanding my borders a bit and sending out some ships to explore the world, when the most devastating news ever came across my screen.

Ramesses II and Alexander both declared war against me. To make things worse, Augustus Caesar decided to denounce me at the same time. The whole world was against me! There wasn’t even a good reason for it. I never declared war against either of them. The only thing I did was take over Belgrade, and that’s just because there were some whales over there and London was craving some blubber.

I mean, why do these world leaders have to be such jerks? They’re world leaders! Shouldn’t they be off trying to develop penicillin or set up some public schools? They should be thinking of what’s best for their people and not the best way to belittle their fellow world leaders.

And then Nobunaga showed up.