Skyrim is a fascinating game for a lot of reasons, but one thing that’s been on my mind lately is its portrayal of marriage. You see, I decided to marry Aela the Huntress, and so began a series of events that — I’ll be honest here — hit a little too close to home.
To be perfectly fair, Aela wasn’t my first pick. No, Vex of the Thieves Guild has that honor. I mean, there’s simply no girl like a Riften girl, am I right?
The thing is, Vex simply wouldn’t have me. In retrospect, there are several possible reasons for her refusal, though I stand by my initial assumption that she’s just racist against Argonians. If only she’d been able to snatch up a copy of The Lusty Argonian Maid at some point during her misadventures of thievery and corruption, though, she’d understand the sorts of erotic pleasures that lie in wait for her, the kind of pleasure that can only be granted by one of the Argonian race.
I’ve never actually read this all the way through, I swear!
But that’s neither here nor there, now is it? So I moved on, and I found myself enamored with Aela the Huntress. She had simply everything I look for in a woman. She’s beautiful, a bit on the wild side, and one of the fiercest warriors in all of Tamriel. Of course it doesn’t hurt that her attire is impractically skimpy. (I feel like the whole “being a werewolf” thing practically demands some sort of “doggy style” joke here, but I’m going to refrain for now.) But Aela, she jumped right into my arms, seemingly honored that I would even consider her as my bride.
So we performed all that Ritual of Mara nonsense (though I’ve actively distributed pro-Mara tracts, I would hardly call myself a true believer) and moved into Breezehome in the bustling city of Whiterun.
I tried really hard to find an excuse to post a picture of Lisette, but I couldn’t find one. But I posted this anyway because Lisette is one hot sweetroll.
But it wasn’t long before I started sensing an unspoken disturbance in the home. I started reading into the particular way she’d address me as I returned from my various adventures. “Hello, my dear,” she’d say, as she always had, though I was beginning to detect a hint of sarcasm buried in these words. I’m just being paranoid, you say?
Well, the real clincher, the thing that really boils my blood, even as I type these words, is that I’ve come home a few times to find that old man Belathor lingering in my kitchen. He doesn’t stay long. No, he winks his little skeever on out of the house as soon as he catches the slightest whiff of my presence.
Now, I realize Belathor may have some good excuses as to why he’d show up at my house. Aela is running a fairly successful shop, after all (and she certainly seems to have money for me whenever I ask for it.) But I’m beginning to grow skeptical that the relationship between Belathor and her is more than just business.
I think Aella is cheating on me.
Now, I guess I can’t really blame her. I leave her home alone for weeks at a time as I go adventuring with a sassy young lady named Lydia (who is “sworn to carry my burdens,” if you know what I mean).
But I can’t say it doesn’t bother me. That’s right; even though this entire scenario happened on my television screen, it still bothers me.
And it probably shouldn’t. Maybe this is just an indication that it’s time to shut the thing down for a while and, you know, have a real life. The problem is, Skyrim isn’t really the type of game that lends itself to just putting the controller down and walking away.
I am pretty sure your Skyrim wife isn’t real so don’t worry about it.
If you get this caught up on playing Skyrim i would hate to see how you would react to playing a jap. dating sim.
I can’t believe you actually typed that. Are you actually giving him shit for Skyrim when you play “dating sims”?’
If you read what he wrote, you would notice that he never said that he played dating sims. (I cant believe you didnt notice that.)
Hi John welcome to the real world. Just a warning if you tell that story to anyone in the real world they will think you are crazy…not “Skyrim” crazy…real life crazy.
*josh
I think I’d probably rather be branded “real-life crazy” than “Skyrim crazy.” I feel like “Skyrim crazy” is an entirely new level of crazy. An almost unreachable level of crazy. I mean, have you heard some of the shit people say in Skyrim?
I agree with everyone here you’re a fucking weirdo who needs to get a life.
And your a major asshole who has alife
I found the article Hilarious! Good one… you can always kill the entire male population of the town and then you will know that she does not cheat on you…
What a bunch of miserable bastards. The whole article is firmly tongue in cheek- I thought it was funny anyway!
Guys, it’s a joke. Grow a sense of humor.
I wish i cared, but i’m in Dragon’s Dogma …
ROFL
Well the only way to see the truth is to confront her and see if she seems surprised or penitent.
Just place lightning runes outside the door of your house; your wife doesn’t leave the house so she won’t be harmed.However, no one but you can enter without being severely damaged or dead. Problem solved.
Smartass
Kill them both bring them back from the dead and take them to the the throat of the world and kill them again.. and i promise you it wont happen again..
I’m glad all of you alpha male assholes are able to vent your uber testosterone rage here and show your manliness.
@Justin
Well, Since your fillings are so clearly hurt; atleast you can go and pretend to cry on the pretend shoulder of your pretend wife and she can pretend to give a crap before cheating on you with a pretend guy that is even more “manly” then you are…I guess that’s what a geek party is.
My “fillings” are hurt, but it has nothing to do with this article. I think I need to see a dentist.
Your name Really describes your perfectly
slay that filthy whore!
Get a life loser…
Why is everybody calling this guy a loser?! I think everybody who takes this article literally has some ‘loser’ attributes to them.
I know what to do.
Lure the old man to a dark alley and have a ‘chat’ with him. A long blade through his back should do the trick.
Haha my wife definitely cheats on me. But it’s okay, I tend to sleep around, myself
geez, whats with all the hate comments? this article was obviously meant as a joke. no need to take it so seriously and call the guy a loser -__-
Loved the sarcasm in the article, Justin.
Pay no heed to the few who cannot grasp your tone.
Oh, and kill Belathor.
Nice article!
This happened to me when I married Camilla Valerius from Riverwood! Faendal kept showing up in my house after days of adventuring. He paid the price with his life.
I lost my poor Aela… No I literally lost her. Told her to wait somewhere south of Solitude, never saw her again.
Look at all the brave nerds telling off a writer. So brave. Elle-oh-elle.
Killing a chicken sucks major donky nuts