Target Employee Fights the Amiibo-Scalper Menace

Rosalina AmiiboThis is a story about a hero, but let’s begin at the beginning.

My buddy bought a second Rosalina and Luma amiibo on Sunday so he can sell it for a tidy profit. It’s not a morally sound action to take, but it’s one he is taking whether I like it or not.

He found the second plastic figure at the third Target store we sped to on a snowy, slippery Minnesota morning (which is most mornings in the great northern state during our eight-month-long winters). It was there we ran into a Target worker who shall from this point be deemed the Hero of Time — no, the Hero of Target. The other one is Link. My bad.

Initially, this young soul clad in crimson and khaki (I assume the shirt has darkened from its normal red with the spilt blood of his enemies) put a dozen Rosalinas out on the shelf alongside the more common amiibo figures. No doubt he expected his brethren to be upstanding fellows and maidens.

Only minutes after the store opened he saw a dark flash out of the corner of his eye: a shadowy fellow picking up an “armful of five or so” Rosalinas. Our hero yelled, “Sir. You shall not have more than one!” I like to imagine he raised a shield up with the Triforce logo, staring deeply into his enemy’s soul, boomerang (Target store scanner) in hand.

The man put all but one down and left. The Hero of Target retired to the electronics island fortress (where the cash registers hang out), having done a heroic deed to prevent the guile of an evil scalper. It’s a bad alignment to have, and everyone should strive for neutral-good collector.

But then his Spidey sense tingled; he looked to his left and saw the man hastily trying to escape with another armload of amiibo figures. This was utter folly.

“I chased him down the entire store—and I’m a big guy—but I caught him and made him give me the extra amiibos,” the man explained to us in a thunderous tone. “Then I put them behind the counter in the locked drawer, keeping only one out for people to see that we have them.”

This dungeon is impregnable, only opened via a Boss Key. Not only that, but it’s under constant surveillance from not only the warriors clad in red, but the all-seeing eye of the Target Corp. While most Minnesotans slept comfortably in their beds without silly distractions like amiibo-collecting tainting their Sunday morning, the Hero of Target had already ensured the happiness of plastic figure fans in the Twin Cities.

That is reward enough for our hero.

“I’d rather have the people who deserve them get them, the people who are going to use them in [Super] Smash [Bros.],” the hero explained when questioned about his fight against evil.

Godspeed, scalper slayer. Godspeed.

Just don’t tell him that my buddy is totally scalping his extra Rosalina.

  • Captain Falcon

    YESZ. CAPTAIN FALCON APPROVES

  • Nathan Gamer

    Louis, I absolutely love your writing style. Please be my friend.

  • Evan Pierce

    Every store that sells Amiibo needs more people like that guy. If only people like that had been around since the beginning or stores would actually implement and official policy like this :/ I’ve had a hell of a time finding Marth or Pit anywhere at a decent price where I wouldn’t be paying through the nose for them. If we had more heroic souls like this I’d probably be able to find all the Amiibo that I want pretty easily…