The Stasis Interrupted DLC from Aliens: Colonial Marines Is an Online Course on Bad Writing

Xenomorph - 90's Air JordanAliens: Colonial Marines is not a good game, by any means. But it can be used as a hilarious refresher course on bad game dialogue.

See, the “Stasis Interrupted” DLC has a scene where a guy named Andrews helps the playable protagonist of the first chapter, Lisbeth, locate her parents, who are being kept in hypersleep chambers somewhere. Andrews just plunks some keys on a computer terminal and finds the location. Easy peasy. After that is one of the greatest awful lines I’ve ever heard in a video game.

Lisbeth asks Andrews where he learned to do all this computer voodoo, and this is his response: “Heh, ever see those late night commercials for CTT online technical courses? The courses are actually pretty good, but their job placement program sucks.”

Yes, that’s right. You play as a kid who is aided by a guy with an online degree in hacking computer terminals, apparently, and you spend the rest of the chapter battling Xenomorphs, not to mention an entire damn militia of soldiers. And winning. Maybe those soldiers should watch more late night TV.

Or not, since in the very next scene, Andrews gets ripped to shreds by a Xenomorph. He must have skipped the class on surviving alien attacks.