Zero Suit Samus’ Heels in Smash Bros. Are Stupid, and You’re Stupid for Defending Them

Let’s cut to the chase. Zero Suit Samus’ heels are fucking stupid.

Shut up. I don’t care about whatever bullshit justification you’re about to give me. Let us recall that I’m the girl who wrote an article complaining about all the “warrior princess” re-imaginings of Princess Peach. I can appreciate character appropriate idiocy. That ability, however, makes inappropriate idiocy piss me off even more.

There are three major justifications for the heels. Let me address the stupidest first.

“It’s just a game, it doesn’t matter.”

Firstly, fuck you. Secondly, fuck you. Thirdly, it matters because Samus is a bounty hunter. If they wanted to put heels on a female character, there are two princesses they could have slapped heels on. They already have heels? That’s my point.

I’m not complaining when characters for whom it’s appropriate are wearing heels. It’s in their character, so it makes sense. Can you explain to me, however, why a badass bounty hunter would wear shoes that make her feet hurt and throw her balance off? Without being stupid?

“They had to use the Other M design.”

I have no opinions on Other M, and I’m not going to pan the game. However, just because a past game had a stupid design flaw doesn’t mean that stupid flaw should be repeated. No one’s demanding Nintendo figure out how to represent the Virtual Boy or R.O.B the robot, because those things were stupid. When the stupid design flaw is a male sexual fantasy, however, it seems like people come out of the woodwork to say it’s a good idea. It’s not. It wasn’t a good idea in Other M, and there’s no good reason to repeat the idea in Smash Brothers.


Also? It’s not even the same damned design, assholes

“Justin Bailey Code!”

The reason this justification doesn’t work wraps back around to my first point. I don’t have a problem with the sexualization of characters, because human beings are sexual creatures. What I have a problem with is ignoring who the character is, because that’s where the objectification happens. The Zero Suit itself could be said to be sexy, and it is. But it’s sexy in a way that makes sense, because Samus generally wears a giant fuck you combat suit.

It’s logical enough to wear something skin-tight under that suit, since baggy clothing would make the suit uncomfortable. Likewise, it’s reasonable enough to wear some sort of bikini-like outfit for the same reasons. Heels make no fucking sense, because there’s no logical reason why it would be better to wear heels rather than no heels.

I’m not asking for much, Nintendo. All I’m asking is for you to show respect to your intellectual properties, and to the girls who enjoy your games. You want to sexy things up? Do it in a way that shows you understand who these characters are and why they’ve developed the way they have. Otherwise, you get people like me rightly calling you out for being objectifying assholes.

  • onassi2

    Made an account just to address how poorly written this is. This can’t possibly even qualify as an “article”. Telling your audience to “fuck off” right off the back is just going to get people pissed off. This was absolutely rubbish and I hope I never have to read another article by you again. It *is* just a game, and you expect people to get up in arms because of her footwear? Grow up and stop bitching.

    • AnonCannon

      Like you said, Not only is this Article “poorly written”, but it is also completely unprofessional. If the writer wants others to understand her opinion on ZSS’s new design, it could’ve been stated more appropriately; rather than cursing out the reader into agreeing with a already fruitless argument. In my opinion, the boots are not all that great. But to reach such a length in when the writer must complain and refuse all other opinions as false can raise questions of sorts. Perhaps if Samus was less feminine, flat chested, wore military boots, buzz cut and all- then maybe the writer could feel good about her self. But you can’t change the way Nintendo does things. It’s sad that this article exists, seeing as a game called Dead or Alive is much more controversial than rocket boots.

      • Alcoholic Luigi

        “It’s logical enough to wear something skin-tight under that suit, since baggy clothing would make the suit uncomfortable. Likewise, it’s reasonable enough to wear some sort of bikini-like outfit for the same reasons. Heels make no fucking sense, because there’s no logical reason why it would be better to wear heels rather than no heels.”

        …Yup. I sure am upset about Samus wearing something skin tight and having breasts. That’s exactly what’s upsetting to me!

  • kuribo

    Made an account just to comment on how spot on this article is. Just to make it clear, I am a man and I agree with this article.

    Samus in heels is a slap in the face to Metroid Fans (just as the abomination that was “Other M” was). Furthermore, think about the practicality of using a propulsion system built into your shoe. With the positioning and orientation of your legs forced by high heels, if you were then propelled by the heel of that shoe it would knock you over and be completely unworkable.

    I don’t think Sakurai and Nintendo are going to listen to feedback (when have they ever?). But I really hope they change these heels to boots or shoes before release.

    Samus is not just a tight-ass for us to ogle at. She’s a badass bounty hunting warrior. She would never wear those shoes.

  • David

    Those heels are not sexy at all, & there were made with function over form in mind, they are clunky & huge.

  • Pretty Cool Guy

    Female objectification; the greatest threat to Western civilisation since Hitler.

  • Aggy

    I guess we can expect a verbatim article when Bayonetta 2 is closer to release, complete with shitty MS paint graphics, and all.

    • Alcoholic Luigi

      Possibly, though Bayonetta 2 has the…benefit? …of having started out that way. Instead of starting out in a big metal suit.

  • JN Elfprincess Keyblader314, your comment has been deleted. Please respect the posting rules.

  • Anonymous

    Somebody is a little butthurt because they can’t wear heels without crushing them under their own weight.

  • pliskin

    I’m not specialist in female fashion, just an appreciator, but don’t you think this is overreacting? I mean, Captain Falcon uses a scarf that could be used to strangle him.
    Pro tip, don’t read from Kotaku.

  • Nightshadow

    Honestly, I agree with you, Samus isn’t meant to be a girly girl character. She’s strong and independent. I don’t know why Nintendo did this, but it pisses me off as well. Anyone who grew up with Samus should know the high heels shit shouldn’t fly. Thank you for speaking your mind even though people feel the need to be assholes to you for doing so. :)

  • Mothraniclus

    Those are huge clunky heels, and they don’t look attractive at all. Besides, it does kinda make sense to have heels since they’re supposed to have rockets. You’d need a long tube so that you can fit the rocket and fuel in it.